GUYS. WE’RE ALL AT MAJOR CAN’T-EVEN HERE. The White Princess (2017) continues to be a travesty, and now they have Ivanka-Trump-lookalike “Lizzie” (OH MY FUCKING GOD IN WHAT WORLD IS LIZZIE A 15TH-CENTURY NICKNAME) wearing the universe’s most godawful dress I have ever seen in my entire life.
Let me break it down for you:
Metal Fucking Grommets
WHICH ARE THE VISIBLE PANTY LINES OF HISTORICAL COSTUME, PEOPLE.
Update! Commenter Shoeless Jane is right, these aren’t grommets, they’re lacing rings. You win this time, Starz… shakes fist
4. Boned Support Wasn’t Used for Another 60 Years, Minimum
Not till her son Henry VIII’s reign. I could let it go, except for that HORRIBLE CURVED-UPWARDS NECKLINE ON THE STOMACHER, IS THAT WHERE SHE PUTS HER PHONE AND CAR KEYS??!!
3. Unnecessary Shittons of Lacing
Okay, so they went for a laced-over stomacher. In my world, this looks much more 17th century than 15th, but whatever (okay, looking at Sarah’s post about Margaret of
Anjou York, they are clearly going for that wide lacing seen in the period. I will grant them that). It’s ye oldey timey. Historically, this kind of effect would be used both for decorative purposes, but also so the garment would fit at multiple sizes.
BUT APPARENTLY ONE OPENING ISN’T ENOUGH. MEDIEVAL PEOPLE ARE STUPID, Y’ALL, AND LIKE TO SPEND THEIR HUGE AMOUNTS OF FREE TIME SEWING METAL GROMMETS (which don’t exist) AND FINISHING EDGES UNNECESSARILY SO THAT THEIR DRESS CAN OPEN IN 60 PLACES.
And then I may be hallucinating, but how is this straight-on side lacing the same as that side-back lacing?
2. WTF With the Medieval Mix-and-Match
The whole concept of a “top” and “skirt” does not exist. Not for many, many centuries. SO WHY DOESN’T THE BODICE FABRIC MATCH THE SKIRT — DID SOMEONE SAY “YES I LOVE TEAL PAISLEY BROCADE SO MUCH BUT WE ONLY HAVE 2 YARDS LET’S USE IT ANYWAY”?
But apparently we had enough fabric to make a separate pair of fitted, above-the-elbow sleeves!
1. It’s Tragically Ugly
Sorry, but this has it’s own sub-points:
a) Teal PAISLEY Fabric
Okay maybe they’re not paisleys, but this fabric is SO VICTORIAN I CAN’T EVEN.
b) Crushed Velvet and That Fucking Eczema Skirt Thing
If there’s one thing we know here at Frock Flicks, it’s that
STRETCH PANNE VELVET ISN’T HISTORICALLY ACCURATE. Throwing some lace on top that looks like a bad skin condition or fungus really doesn’t help the matter.
c) Leg O’ Mutton Sleeves That DON’T EVEN FIT RIGHT
WHO LOOKED AT THIS SILHOUETTE OF GIANT PUFFY SLEEVES (1830s? 1890s?) THAT HIT HER ABOUT 2-3″ OFF HER SHOULDER POINT AND SAID “YES! THIS IS ATTRACTIVE!!”?? BECAUSE WE NEED TO TALK.
I don’t know, people. Starz may have finally killed me.
What offends you most about this travesty?