This Snark Week, 237 of you voted, and 52.7% voted for The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982) for our live online viewing and snarking — so watch and snark we did! We invited you to join us and snark along, but for those who didn’t make it, here’s the highlights of what you missed…
All the men of the towns of Chastity Gulch and Sweetwater, Missouri, are off to the Civil War:
Kendra: Did I just see Pa from Little House?
Trystan: BIDDY BONNET
Kendra: CLEAVAGE
Kendra: HAIR
Kendra: ZIPPERS
Trystan: Ok, I’m already regretting my life choices
Teri from Three’s Company is a doctor who is going to Sweetwater to visit her aunt, Joan Collins, who Teri is just discovering runs a hooor-house:
Kendra: What era is that bonnet supposed to be?
Sarah: 1982 bonnet
Sarah: She needs to learn the jump method of skirt straightening
Trystan: BLUE OSTRICH HEAD? THE HELL
Kendra: I think the dark-haired girl was on Dynasty or something
Sarah: I’m pretty sure this entire cast was lifted from Dynasty
Sarah: Imagine all the hands-on STD experience she will get
Trystan: Eyeshadow, matching your skirts, classy
Kendra: THAT EYEMAKEUP IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN
Kendra: The purple blush is outstanding
The non-hoors are pissed about the hoors:
Kendra: Red polka dots looks just like the hoors
Trystan: They literally have pitchforks
Trystan: Wait, how can these losers hang by their corsets when they clearly aren’t wearng any?
Kendra: and the hoors are! (well, 1980s merry widows)
Trystan: This is the lamest soft-core porn ever
Trystan: Where are the split-crotch drawers?
Trystan: Wow, that blue ensemble is so … noticeable…
Kendra: TERI’S HAIR
Kendra: WAIT IT’S NOT HAIR
Sarah: It’s attached with a jaw clip
Kendra: IT’S A GIANT DOILY
Trystan: WTF it looks like fungus are attacking the back of her head
The hoors and non-hoors work together for the good of the town(s):
Trystan: Roof-repair in a crinoline, smart!
Kendra: Such practical construction work clothing
Sarah: IT’S THE MALE GAZE
Trystan: They may have half the arms, but they have all the patriarchy
Trystan: Just like that one time at Habitat for Humanity
Trystan: Close up of peach awfulness
Kendra: Serious poly double-knit
Auntie Joan is very, very sick:
Kendra: So sensitive! mystery illnesses! something “down there” no doubt!
Trystan: I been on my back for years!
Sarah: Those acrylic nails scare me
Trystan: This *was* the movie w/the nail fetishist – now we know why
Sarah: All I can think of is the “lesbian” porn with the chicks with long talon acrylics
Kendra: That blue fabric scares me
Kendra: Yes, get into the swamp in your best nylon dress
Trystan: The hose is symbolic of our cooperation (not at all the patriarchy, no not all)
Sarah: The hose is definitely a metaphor for the phallus
Sarah: Pretty sure this is actually a thinly veiled porno
Trystan: They’re all wet & *now* the men show up. sarah, you’re right, it’s a porno
Sarah: The 80s. When the Confederates were the good guys.
Kendra: That pink dress on the left is my fave
Kendra: Is that morgan fairchild in my pink dress?
Linda: We can only hope
Kendra: HOW is morgan fairchild not in this movie, in fact
A band of Union soldiers turns up:
Kendra: I protect you with my nylon lace!
The son (Donny Osmond) of the general has been shot, and Teri has to operate. The general threatens to kill all the wimmin if his son doesn’t make it:
Trystan: I’m a little bit country, she’s a little bit rock & roll
Kendra: I’m a little bit wooly, she’s a little poly baroque satin
Kendra: “This is my day bling”
Trystan: Subtle
Trystan: I really like the trim pattern accenting the princess seams
Kendra: Yes that’s a nice touch
A hot doctor is with them, but his arm has been injured, so Teri has to take charge:
Kendra: Tight pants!
Sarah: NO VPL
Sarah: OH FUCK THERE’S A PART 2
Sarah: CHRIST
Linda: The probe!
Sarah: PROBE
Trystan: Reminder: time to drink, thanks Joan
Kendra: I want to be Joan Collins when I grow up
Trystan: I flatter myself by thinking I’m halfway there
The soldiers leave, leaving Donny Osmond and Hot Doctor to recuperate, but with threats of coming back and then killing all the wimmin:
Kendra: Those stress wrinkles are fabulous
Kendra: I think Joan studied GWTW for this performance
Trystan: Yes! and the skirt swirling really adds to the epicness
Trystan: I’m really having acetate Victorian underwear envy about now
Kendra: “We’re desperate to share our chlamyida with SOMEONE”
Kendra: CHESTAL PLUFT
Sarah: MUSTACHE RIDES FOR MAGGIE
Sarah: It’s like they couldn’t afford Tom Selleck so they got the low-rent version
Donny is nursed by Lisa Welchel:
Kendra: donny + blair 4evah!
Kendra: Love all the dark brown roots
Teri talks all the wimmin into working together to fight off the soldiers when they return:
Kendra: God her blouse is so poly
Kendra: So many holly hobby bonnets, so little time
Kendra: More malibu barbie pink
Trystan: The more I see of it, the more I really like that hot pink number
Auntie Joan dies:
Kendra: Check your makeup!
Kendra: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Kendra: NOT JOANIE
Kendra: SOMEONE HAS TO PICK UP THE PURPLE MAKEUP TORCH
Kendra: How will we make it thru the rest of part 2 w/out joan collins?!?!?!
Trystan: SHE DID SO MUCH FOR WOMANKIND
Sarah: And for acetate!
Sarah: TERI WILL PICK UP THE TORCH
Trystan: I’m loving the whore-appropriate funeral garb
Kendra: His uniform is awfully powder blue
Trystan: Nice blow dry
Hot Doctor trains all the wimmin in gun-fightin’:
Kendra: That green number is… striking
Trystan: Gun in yr boobs, classy
Kendra: That malibu barbie pink dress is working its way around to every actress
Kendra: So much nylon lace, so little time!
Kendra: Wait there is a person of non-white ethnicity!!
Trystan: Where???
Kendra: There was an asian woman in the crowd!
Trystan: My people!
Trystan: (Ok, my other people!)
Acrylic Nail Hoor makes friends with one of the ladies by offering to train her in the mysterious arts of hoor-dom, so as to revive her husband’s interest:
Trystan: And this is the most covered-up we’ve seen a hoor — but she’s wearing a tablecloth
Kendra: Ah the rustle of nylon
Kendra: YES
Kendra: GET THE BANANA
Trystan: School of Whoring!
Sarah: DANGEOUS BEAUTY SCHOOL OF FUCKS
Donny and Lisa make out:
Kendra: Blair tits!
Trystan: GMTA
Kendra: Love the little twist in her barette-d hair
Kendra: There’s my malibu barbie dress again!
Kendra: I think we need to drink each time it’s on screen
Lisa is pissed that Donny won’t defend the wimmin:
Kendra: That is so what I pictured “pioneer” dresses looked like when i was young
Trystan: The height of my costuming dreams at the time
Trystan: And I’m sure that was the pattern used for this movie
Kendra: More and more hair down on teri as she loosens up
Kendra: She’s like demelza poldark
Kendra: “I don’t know how to walk in a long skirt”
Trystan: Note to self: skirt hiking diatribe for next Snark Week
Kendra: Also that’s a lot of chest for 186-whatever
Trystan: I feel like this guy’s costumes are just Ralph Lauren off-the-rack shit
Trystan: Her hairpiece is a different color than her hair & roots, but whatev
Kendra: YES
Kendra: STACHE
Kendra: RIDE
Trystan: I almost want to see this in better video quality, just to see if it would make a difference, yet I know it wouldn’t
The soldiers return, and Donny stands up to his dad:
Sarah: YOU DON’T GET ME DAD. I’M GOING TO JOIN THE CONFEDERATES.
Kendra: THEY LET ME BE EMO
The wimmin fight off the soldiers:
Kendra: Did I just see a tank top on one of the sniper ladies?
Kendra: YES
Kendra: GUN IN BOOBS
Kendra: That blond totally had a banana clip on!
Trystan: Blair has a new dress — just as much jugs
Sarah: I NEED THAT DRESS
Sarah: I WOULD WEAR THE SHIT OUT OF IT
Sarah: IT WOULD BE MY NEW SCA DRESS
Trystan: Donny is also wearing Ralph Lauren off-the-rack
Kendra: I loathe heart-shaped jewelry with the fire of many suns
Trystan: Flashdance hair
Kendra: FALCON’S CREST
The war is over, and all the men come back:
Sarah: I NEED THAT DRESS
Sarah: THE CALICO ONE
Kendra: “I got my hair curled and i know how to give a blow job now!”
Kendra: The sisterhood of the traveling hoors
Trystan: We’re gonna need a shipment of mousse & more blowdriers
Kendra: AARON SPELLING
Now aren’t you sorry you missed it?
My eyes hurt now…and not from the blurry images. I’m pretty sure it was all the pepto-bismal pink and the eighties hair…urk.
100% this!
Oh my god. Still dying. Will not stop dying.
That was amazing.
I don’t suppose for a moment the producers even considered the pic as being related to real history. A lot of people in this who never made it past the boob tube.
Why is this town called ‘Chastity Gulch’? Oh, wait, that’s actually a dirty joke. Hmmm. I’m calling shenanigans on this. Innuendo hadn’t been invented yet in the 1860s.
I’m not sure innuendo existed in the 1980s either — they were pretty obvious back then ;-)
Came here to say this.
Innuendo, out the other.
I think you hit all the high points…the effort put into your detailed analysis is a testament to your fortitude… I would never have lasted. Kudos to you! :-)
I am sooooo sorry I missed the live podcast, but your recap is hi-LAIR-ious. Even without having seen this film, I think it’s safe to nominate it as the worst historical costume movie of all time. Just the poofy ’80s hair and heavy make up alone is enough to qualify!
Regarding the lack of open-crotch drawers; I’m having a hard time thinking of *any* “mainstream” period movie that has ever accurately included those as part of women’s lingerie, even in scenes where those would make sense (such as those set in bordellos). Really, really odd.
Forgot to mention this, and it really has nothing to do with costuming – but I can assure you, as someone with relatives in southwest Missouri, that the Ozark Mountains look NOTHING like that. It’s as absurd as having the Ventura Pier, with bare brown mountains in the background, double for Palm Beach, Florida in the 1990’s TV show “Silk Stalkings”.
Oh yeah. My husband and I used to leave in Santa Clarita, which is just north of LA on the edge of the desert, and where it looks like this and every other supposedly-in-the-West TV show is shot. He came into the room while I was watching this and said, “Santa Clarita?” (While we’re at it, check out the Dukes of Hazard for amazingly So. Cal. landscape…)
They’re worried about possible beaver flashes?