SNARK WEEK RECAP: The Kent Chronicles pt. 2

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This Snark Week I offer you: The Kent Family Chronicles, more specifically, parts 1 and 2: The Bastard (1978) and The Rebels (1979). These are adaptations of an apparently very successful series of 18th century-set historical fiction novels by John Jakes, both of which were made in the 1970s and offer a fiesta of polyester and scoffing. Yes, there’s a third in the series: The Seekers (1979), but seeing as that’s set on the frontier and I have no interest in screencapping a bunch of Little House on the Prairie costumes, I’m sticking with the first two. I’ll be splitting the combined two movies into five sections for a full week of snark! If you want to watch along, you can find both movies on YouTube.

Here’s part 1!

As they arrive at Boston, Philippe decides he’s going to go by “Philip Kent.” He starts practicing saying his name, going from “Philippe” to “Philip” in 5 seconds. The next time he opens his mouth, he has a perfect American accent. IT IS RIDICULOUS.

Philippe wanders Boston trying to find work. Various badly dressed extras keep wandering in loops behind him, in particular, this chick:

1978 The Bastard

I just keep thinking of Muriel’s Wedding: “That’s an eye-catching dress Muriel!”

This napkin-shirt refers him to a pub called The Salutation…

1978 The Bastard

Okay it’s not quite a napkin-shirt (the shitty cross-over shirts worn by shop assistants at Colonial Williamsburg), but it’s Not Good.

The pub owner (James Gregory of The Manchurian Candidate and Barney MillerLove Boat appearances = 1) sends him away.

1978 The Bastard

In the street, Philippe Philip bumps into a soldier, (John de Lancie aka Q FROM STAR TREK) who picks an unnecessary fight with him.

1978 The Bastard

The soldiers’ wigs are DEEPLY shitty.

Q star trek

Also, **Q**!!

A crowd gathers supporting Philip, who cuts Q’s face with a rock? Q is intimidated by the crowd and leaves huffily.

1978 The Bastard

So many good extras…

Now that Philip’s fought The Evil Brits, the Salutation’s pub owner likes him, and once he finds out Philip knows the printing trade, gets him a job with Benjamin Edes (Buddy Ebsen of The Beverly Hillbillies and Barnaby Jones).

1978 The Bastard

Back out in the streets, they find a mob ready to tar and feather some random mentally ill guy who’s spouting pro-British stuff. WILLIAM SHATNER (CAPTAIN KIRK!!!) IS PAUL REVERE, who tries to talk sense into the crowd. A brawl starts, and Philip fights with Shatner and Edes, which makes them decide he’s a good egg.

1978 The Bastard

SHATNER.

1978 The Bastard

Yasss I love a good old-school intermission!

Philip works hard in the print shop and gets involved, via his boss Edes, in the Sons of Liberty. It’s boring so I don’t screencap it. Finally KIM CATTRALL (Sex and the City) shows up as the daughter of a patriot and is bitchy to Philip.

1978 The Bastard

KIM CATTRALL.

1978 The Bastard

Rocking the 50-years-too-early bonnet.

Quick break for more excellent extras:

1978 The Bastard

Tits out; don’t care

Philip has to deliver something to Kim Cattrall’s dad; when he shows up, Q is informing Kim and pops that they are going to have a soldier billeted with them. Q tries to ask Kim Cattrall out, she turns him down; once he’s gone, Philip asks her out, and she says yes.

1978 The Bastard

Kim Cattrall’s maid also doesn’t believe in bust support.

1978 The Bastard

So many Scarlett O’Hara ringlets! Such lurvely nylon lace!

1978 The Bastard

Hey, no back lacing!

Kim and Philip hang. Kim tells Philip that she hasn’t yet met The One yet, implies that it could be him, but wants to wait til he’s sure.

1978 The Bastard

Someone’s grandma made that shawl. Note the eye makeup. And the feathering.

Various political shit happens, including the Boston Tea Party.

1978 The Bastard

At which Kim Cattrall is serious.

After the tea party, Philip runs into Q, they fight and each stab each other.

1978 The Bastard

Kim Cattrall binds Philip’s wounds, and then Offers Herself To Him as she’s realized All Is Serious And They Don’t Know If They’ll Have A Tomorrow.

1978 The Bastard

Look at the bee-yoo-ti-ful finish on that cuff!

Philip and Kim hang and are shmoopy. Kim is very politically engaged.

1978 The Bastard

Lovely bust darts there!

1978 The Bastard

Rocking a bun and ringlets. SO 1770s.

Meanwhile, half-brother Roger is now soldiering in the colonies, and he’s been informed that a “Philip Kent” is around, and them’s fighting words…

1978 The Bastard

OH THE SHITTY SOLDIER WIGS. This guy also has THE WORST ENGLISH ACCENT EVER. It’s kind of Transylvanian.

Philip helps Kim’s maid, Daisy, run off with a British soldier who’s been billeted with them and is now Team Patriot. Meanwhile, somehow Roger has figured out about Philip and Kim, shows up and tries to rape Kim as a way to get to Roger. Of course, Philip shows up just in time, the two duel, and Philip kills Roger.

1978 The Bastard

No corset, no chemise, FYI.

Philip heads off with Daisy’s British soldier to Daisy’s pop’s place in Concord (suspiciously Southern California-ish, as everything is). Pops is played by Noah Beery (The Rockford FilesLove Boat appearances = 2).

1978 The Bastard

Philip decides to hang in Concord, where he joins the militia and reconnects with a guy he met while leaving England, played by Herbert Jefferson Jr. (BOOMER FROM BATTLESTAR GALACTICA).

1978 The Bastard Boomer Battlestar Galactica

The guy running their militia is played by Russell Johnson, aka THE PROFESSOR FROM GILLIGAN’S ISLAND thud.

1978 The Bastard 1978 The Bastard russell.johnson.professor.gilligans.island

Kim Cattrall arrives in Concord as everyone is fleeing Boston. She’s got a letter for Philip from Juliet(TM), saying she’s in Philadelphia and Must See Him. Kim is all “You Must Go” and Philip is all “But She Means Nothing” and then Kim is all “But What If She Had Your Baby” and Philip is all “No Child Of Mine Shall Be a Bastard” and Kim is all “….” and Philip is all “What?” and Kim is all “Nothing.” It’s a very annoying conversation.

1978 The Bastard

Meanwhile, Kim wears this.

1978 The Bastard

Aaaaaand, zipper!

Key stats:

  • Love Boat appearances: only 3!
  • Shitty wigs: at least 3
  • Tits out: only on extras!
  • Actors who have made me keel over: 5

 

Tomorrow: BATHTUB SHAGGING in part 3 of my recap of The Kent Family Chronicles!

 

 

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20 Responses

  1. Donnalee

    This sort of tv is what apparently made me what I am today–no idea what that is, but all the ingredients of my growing up are there. Thanks for the strange and entertaining review!

    Reply
  2. Mags

    Do they have a Monet hanging there for very period wall decoration in the very last still?

    Reply
  3. Nzie

    So, we began in anonymous French village, we moved to “Kentland”, but somehow end up in Boston and Concord instead of, I don’t know, Bostonburg and Concordonton?

    Also, is there any more context to the whole “what if she has your kid” thing? Based on the description, she’s just asking him to come… does she say she’s pregnant/gave birth? Current girlfriend Kim Cattrall is awfully unusual to leap to “definitely go, what if you have a kid” otherwise (and actually, even if).

    Reply
      • Nzie

        I’m guessing that means there will be at least some possibility of an illegitimate kid…. I’ll admit that makes me vaguely interested, but not enough to suffer this. bows to you

        Reply
  4. Author Jennifer Quail

    Do you suppose when making Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, Kim Cattrall and William Shatner were like “Hey, remember when I was a young Patriot lass and you were Paul Revere?” ….Probably not. Though it does explain why neither batted an eye at anything the Trek costumers threw out there.

    Also I used to lead a Concord Museum school program called “Relive 1775” and it was decidedly less Davy Crockett Meets Zorro and more like…we had sidewalks. And hundred+ year-old tombstones. Big fancy frame houses. The works. Also 100% fewer trees back then, as one thing we always had to remind kids was “Okay, there are about a billion trees now that wouldn’t be here and you could practically see all the way up the pike to Boston because clear-cut farmland.” Was Disney renting their backlot?

    Reply
  5. Susan Pola Staples

    I laughed all the way through this. And am still trying to stop chuckling. snort

    Reply
  6. Karen K.

    That Monet is too funny — well, actually, all of it is hilariously bad. The Monet is just the icing on the cake for me.

    Reply
    • Nzie

      bwahahahahahahaha! SO TRUE. It’s Johnny Tremaine grown (and sexed) up a bit. Young fellow with somewhat troubled backstory, meets Every Famous Person, has to Choose Sides in Life and Love, and clearly Aligns with Patriot Cause.

      Reply
  7. SaucyMarla

    I read, “Kim and Philip BANG…” instead of “Kim and Philip hang”….. LOLOL!

    Reply

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