SNARK WEEK RECAP: The Empress (2022), Ep. 2

Tweet

Support Frock Flicks with a small donation! During Snark Week and beyond, we’re grateful for your monthly pledges for exclusive content via Patreon or your one-time contributions via Ko-fi or PayPal to offset the costs of running this site. You can even buy our T-shirts and merch. Think of this like supporting public broadcasting, but with swearing and no tax deductions!

Apparently many of you have written in to ask if we’ll be reviewing The Empress (2022), Netflix’s offering amongst a spate of Empress Elisabeth of Austria/Sissi films and TV series out right about now. And because enough of you have said the costumes are terrible, and because Trystan is a big meanie, she suggested I go ahead and recap this for Snark Week instead of doing my usual thing of asking you what I should review. Now, I already hate mid-19th century (the death of fashion), although thankfully this is set in Europe and not some dusty American small town, but just know that I am cursing you as I watch/write this!

Make sure you’ve read my recap of episode 1!

In a surprisingly beautiful shot, someone is laying on the floor weeping. Turns out to be Franz’s Mom, who’s having some kind of mini-breakdown, but she’s comforted by her lady-in-waiting, who reminds her that It’s Time for Elisabeth’s arrival. Franz’s Mom pulls it together.

Franz’s floozy comes to visit him. He’s all, “Dude, we’re over” and she’s all “but you said you needed me” and he’s all “patriarchy, bitch.”

Something she threw together for Dickens Fair?

Rocking the Edwardian hat and smokey eye makeup.

Franz’s Mom’s head lady-in-waiting — Countess Sophie, but I can already tell these names are going to feel interchangeable — is drill-sergeant-ing Elisabeth’s new ladies-in-waiting. It’s very “you’re new here, here’s how it works,” when wouldn’t they want to give Elisabeth some people with experience?

We’ll come back to these dresses…

Elisabeth and family arrive! Elisabeth and Elisabeth’s Mom are dressed like relatively normal mid-19th century people:

White blouse, “Swiss waist” belt = not bad, considering!

Holy shit, they kind of got something right! That diamond-shaped black belt was called a Swiss waist | Portrait of Empress Elisabeth of Austria (1837-1898) by Ludwig Angerer, 1862, via Wikimedia Commons

The tassels aren’t great, but actual pagoda sleeves!

In this era, the narrow at the top, wide at the bottom, open over a white undersleeve “pagoda” sleeve was ubiquitous | La Belle Assemblee, September 1850

Helene, on the other hand, has time-traveled to the 1940s and joined a boogie woogie girls group:

She’s got the “shitty blonde wig” of Winona Ryder in Edward Scissorhands…

…with the hairstyle of Joan Cusack in Addams Family Values.

Wearing her best Eileen Fisher linen jacket?

Franz’s Mom is sticking with her postmodern bullshit:

Maybe she’s really into Tetris?

Note the cold shoulder CAPE and lace undersleeves.

I keep waiting for this necklace…

To do this.

One of these things is not like the others!

They actually did a nice job on Elisabeth’s hair! Does Franz’s Mom’s dress/cape have a zipper?

Empress Elisabeth was famous for her extremely long hair, which she really wore styled like this | Empress Elisabeth of Austria, 1865, via Gogmsite’s Grand Ladies

The ladies-in-waiting are dressed like crazytown. The matron is sort of gender-bending, sort of 1960s scifi:

Note the tie.

Of course the actual Countess of Esterhazy dressed like a normal person | Portrait of a Countess Esterhazy by Joseph Matthäus Aigner, 1860, Palais Dorotheum, Vienna

And the rest are wearing shitty blouses with overbust corsets OVER them:

At first I was trying to charitably think they were just two-part blouses, but no, they’re exposed corsets.

The court ladies start fitting Elisabeth, and there is of course a corset-yanking scene where in Elisabeth is yanked and complains that it’s too tight, and the matron says “then it fits right.” Elisabeth wants to go for a walk to get away, but the ladies insist she be “properly dressed” for it.

Yank those metal grommets!

Elisabeth wears a blouse and skirt combo that reads better in motion (possible silk taffeta) than it does in stills (poly-cotton broadcloth). All her ladies-in-waiting follow her every move. She gets excited about an exotic bird:

I’m very confused by the front of that “blouse.”

Then runs into Franz’s younger brother, Maximilian, who clearly still has the hots for her.

Various courtiers are arguing about whether Austria should join the war against the Ottomans on the side of the Russians or the English and French. Most are pro-war, Franz says no, he has other plans for the country. He has some whispered conversations with one particular advisor who is clearly very progressive about a secret meeting.

Elisabeth and Franz have a “dance lesson,” which consists of Johann Strauss playing the waltz he’s composed for their wedding while the two dance:

Strauss!

Separated at birth?

There’s some actual sexual tension, and Elisabeth and Franz run off into a side room to make out, where they’re interrupted by the matron.

Skirt hiking, naturally. Granted, she is running.

One of Elisabeth’s ladies-in-waiting is “Countess Leontine,” the revolutionary we saw at the end of the last episode. How the FUCK did this lady 1) clean up, and 2) get a posting as a lady-in-waiting? She meets with her fellow revolutionary in the garden for a smoke, kiss, and discussion about how they’re trying to smuggle a shoe into the palace.

Yet another wacky rolled hairdo. This one is something out of Blade Runner.

Elisabeth is surprised to find a doctor, archbishop, and various ladies-in-waiting waiting to examine her for proof of chastity. She’s not into it, even kicking the doctor at one point, but they basically say “no proof, no marriage.” She doesn’t have any vestiges of a hymen, which the Revolutionary Lady-in-Waiting helpfully suggests is due to horseback riding; nonetheless, the doctor and archbishop are convinced of her chastity.

Franz tells off his younger brother Maximilian for ruining two aristocratic sisters; one got pregnant and killed herself, the other jumped off a building had to be institutionalized.

At the evening-before-the-wedding party, Elisabeth is PISSED about the whole hymen check. She’s super snippy to the archbishop, and Elisabeth’s Mom tries to intervene by breaking a glass, but no dice. Franz’s Mom basically says “go to bed.” Elisabeth protests, but then Franz agrees.

Elisabeth is in some stupid asymmetrical 1950s shrug number:

These twisted asymmetrical shrugs may make me hurt someone.

We see her being undressed, and lookee ma, no corset OR chemise! Is that bingo?

Meanwhile Franz’s Mom is in a “let’s make wrinkles couture” nightmare:

Elisabeth’s Mom is decently dressed by comparison:

I can’t get too worked up this, it’s too comparatively normal, and the rest of these costumes have already burned my retinas.

Elisabeth goes back to her room, then overhears her ladies discussing that she/they have been invited to a party thrown by Maximilian. Elisabeth decides to be a rebel and go. She wears what I think is a nod to her later love for Hungary and Bohemia, in an embroidered vest, all the Claire’s necklaces, and two Kawaii hair buns on top of her head:

OH GOD IS THAT EXPOSED MIDRIFF?

The party is filled with completely ridiculous-for-the-period costumes out of some kind of Edwardian circus-punk world:

Maximilian is dressed like the WORLD’S BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG in a printed satin blouse and PUKA SHELLS. Elisabeth downs some absinthe. Maximilian tells Elisabeth that he thinks she’s better suited for a life like this and tries to put the moves on her; she says no, she’s in love with Franz.

Douchebag Couture by Maximilian(TM).

The actual Archduke Maximilian around this time | Kaiser Maximilian von Mexiko (1832-1867) by Franz Xaver Winterhalter, 19th Century, Royal Collection Belgium

Franz Liszt is there making all the ladies swoon.

This seems about right. I mean, minus the rhinestone necklace.

Composer and pianist Franz Liszt by Franz Hanfstaengl, 1858, via Wikimedia Commons

Helene hasn’t been speaking to Elisabeth. Elisabeth tries to reconcile, but Helene is having none of it. Maximilian puts the moves on one of the Elisabeth’s ladies-in-waiting.

Franz’s Mom is meaningfully fingering some hair in a locket. The “count of Vasa” is announced, and he’s clearly an old flame … even more clearly, she asks why he came to the wedding, and he asks her if it’s because that’s his son (i.e., Franz) about to get married? She will neither confirm nor deny. She tries to kiss him, he dodges and leaves.

I’m just shaking my head.

Franz has a secret midnight meeting with an English railroad builder. He wants the builder to create a railroad for Austria in order to connect his realm and bring prosperity, but he doesn’t have enough money. Franz promises to get the money.

It’s wedding day! No one can find Elisabeth — she’s hiding behind a curtain. Helene is there, sends all the ladies away and comforts Elisabeth/reconciles with her.

Elisabeth gets dressed for the wedding (1854) in a two-years-too-early hoopskirt (popularized in 1856) that needs to be hoisted over her with giant hooks:

A corset without chemise:

Historically accurate armpit hair tho!

And a 1950s Dior-style wedding dress.

Her hair is up in braids with a hot-glued diamond loopy thing in front:

Helene channels her inner pain through 1980s goth jewelry and another 1950s asymmetrical shrug:

Brenda Walsh is proud.

Franz’s Mom is in something vaguely Victorian with an obi belt:

Elisabeth’s Mom wears her best burnout velvet blouse and 1950s egret fascinator hat:

Elisabeth’s Mom asks Franz’s Mom to “take care of my girl.” Franz’s Mom just looks ominous.

Elisabeth is put into a REALLY cool glass carriage that would get VERY hot very quickly. She and Franz have a moment through the glass, then she’s driven off into scarily enthusiastic crowds.

Stay tuned tomorrow for episode 3, when we’ll look more at the wedding dress!