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If you’re not French, this post is going to seem totally random, but I need you to trust me for a moment when I tell you that 1. There is a French pop star named Mylène Farmer, and 2. In the 1980s she made two LONG music videos inspired by the film Barry Lyndon, and 3. Said videos are possibly the ultimate expression of New Romantic Does 18th Century. Move over Adam Ant!
Beaver Warning: this post is NSFW!
To give you just a whiff of what I’m talking about:
Now, let’s get to it:
Libertine
Libertine (1986) starts with Mylène dueling with a guy with RIDICULOUS sideburns, while some lady looks on:
Okay, so we’ve got a nylon lace bib, leather waistcoat with metal grommets, and THAT MAKEUP AND HAIR.
He’s every goth’s wet dream!
I am NOT KIDDING about those sideburns!
Admit it, we all want to be this!
Mylène kills Sideburns, giving Other Lady a sad. Random cut to an ozone-depleting party scene:
This hair is FUCKING EPIC
And another random cut to Softcore Porn Ladies Giggling in the Bath With Full Beaver!
Historically accurate pubes! Note the wigs on the stands…
SUCH FUN
Wait except Aunt Biddy is displeased
And now we’re back to the party! Mylène is gambling, but receives a note from Mr. Sensitive Goth:
Mylène’s hair is tame by comparison.
HE FEELS ALL THE FEELS, Y’ALL
In case you were worried, Mylène’s eyeshadow blending game is On Point
But wait, who’s that lurking the background?
No one can resist such sensitive, fluffy hair!
Mylène and Mr. Sensitive get it ON:
Mylène is NOT SHY about her historically accurate pubes!
Mylène then heads back to the party, but…
Ballin’
“You’ve already taken one Goth Dreamboat from me!”
Cue MASSIVE BITCH FIGHT!!
Back lacing!
They are NOT MESSING AROUND with this fight scene!
Other Lady appears to be wearing some kind of rump!
Mr. Sensitive rescues Mylène! Other Lady is pissed!
Weave gets snatched!
And apparently Other Lady didn’t have anything to anchor her wig to in terms of her own hair, so what was she expecting?
But wait! Other Lady has backup!
I guess there’s just one road in and out of town?
It’s hard out here for a pimp!
Pourvu Qu’elles Soient Douces
Two years later, Mylène came out with a sequel that’s even MORE Barry Lyndon, and whose plot makes even LESS sense!
The British army finds Mylène and Mr. Sensitive, but discovers Mylène is alive! Some BDSM Soldier takes her back to his tent and acts like he’s about to whip her:
Luckily Mylène’s makeup survived!
BDSM Soldier feels that there’s not enough BDSM happening.
Deciding to do something about that!
He catches a little boy soldier spying on them, so takes him out for a formal whipping:
BDSM Soldier is happy so long as he gets to whip SOMEBODY
Mylène shows up and acts like she’s going to take over the whipping, but instead whips BDSM soldier:
Don’t F with Mylène!
BDSM soldier makes Mylène change into a soldier’s uniform while he watches laciviously:
She’s clearly upset.
Mylène escapes by smashing BDSM Soldier in the face with a wine bottle, but he catches her, discovers she’s wounded her hand, and tenderly carries her back to camp.
Meanwhile Other Lady from Libertine shows up with a whole bunch of questionably attired ladies and bribes the soldiers:
Other Lady is big on the honkin’ pearls.
GOD I wish I could get better screenshots!
You know there’s all kind of hilarity in there!
Like this, inappropriately-split-in-back skirt…
BDSM soldier takes a wounded Mylène back to his camp, where they tenderly (barf) make love:
Wait, I thought he was a rapist and child abuser? Huh?
While the Questionably Attired Ladies get it on with the soldiers:
The next morning, the Questionably Attired Ladies signal the French troops, and a battle ensues:
In case you were worried this video didn’t have any beaver shots.
No chemises were harmed in the making of this film.
Tits out; don’t care!
But Other Lady spots Mylène, and Bitch Fight II: Electric Boogaloo is ON:
A behind the scenes shot of her clunky pearls.
Once again, punches are NOT pulled!
Bitches flip each other over!
They end up in a muddy creek, where Mylène bayonets Other Lady!
The battle continues, until Mylène — who has found a black chemise dress?? — rides out to nobly save young soldier boy:
Where did this come from?
And now you should know that the costumes for these masterpieces were designed by Carine Sarfati, who designed the women’s costumes for Valmont!
I’m amazed and know not what….
Forget Adam Ant, what about Bowie in Labyrinth?
I LOVE IT! Full minge for the win lol
This looks mad as tits. I’m a fan.
Ze Franch do not ‘ave to make ze sense, because zey are romantique!
Romantic isn’t quite the word I’d choose, ‘kinky’ comes to mind, or S&M.
So the French can just put full frontal nudity in music videos? Incredible.
Can I also just say thank you for these posts. I love snark week every year in general and I love especially any posts about bizarre 18th century themed 1980’s music videos.
Phew! I was super worried everyone would think this was totally random… in a bad way!
These two were a real trip to watch. Definitely hits all the high points. ;-)
French here ! Those clips are famous – when I was a kid I had a VHS of those. Also 100% kinky. The second song translates as “As long as they are soft” and is fully about having sex, just using a different kind of orifice that is not on the front ;). I don’t think this would be allowed today !
I could just imagine Alan Cumming (in full Plunkett & Macleane kit) in the first one. It looks like for the second, they rented the uniforms from Barry Lyndon. While I’ve certainly seen better costumes, Ghod knows I’ve seen worse! Truly silly videos, but a fun waste of time.
‘Lady Oscar’ influence, too?
I had the same thought.
So wonderfully wacky! Thanks for posting. This made my week.
OH MY GOD what a perfect ending to Snark Week. You all always knock it out of the park.
Omg, thank you so much for posting this! My high school best friend is a huge francophile and showed me Mylène’s videos back then (although she advised me against watching these, lol) and we had so much fun watching all the rather bizarre stuff in those clips! I love Libertine for being all the ‘debauched French aristocrats’-tropes rolled into one video combined with a sick synthesizer beat…absolutely amazing artistry :’D
I literally laughed out loud and nearly spit out my wine! Giggling in the tub with full beaver may be new favorite phrase.
I am going to have to look up this video now.
Thank you for all the laughs!
Thank God I’m not at work, because I’m cackling hysterically. Maybe you should do a post about “Historically Accurate Pubes.”
And historically accurate underarm/axilla hair; historically accurate non-head hair in general, including eyebrows. (21st-century eyebrows on non-21st-century people bother me no end.)
Agree!
How did I not know these existed until now? Nonsensical plot, big dresses, androgyny and historically accurate bush are absolutely my jam!
In France, whipping for sexual gratification used to be called ‘the English vice’ and I suspect the whipping thing is an allusion to this but aside from that, well, I got nothing.
Oh, goodness, my twenties are back from the (long) dead!
And yes, we French have beavers and are not afraid to show it!
Or, well, we used to… sometimes I think pubes and hairpins eloped together Goddess knows where.
I miss Mylene a bit, she was so wonderfully weird.
I sit here stunned that I never knew these were a thing!!! I feel like my life has been but an empty shell until this moment.
Also “Giggling in the tub with full beaver” will totally be the title of my memoirs.
Sweet fancypants! That’s my mind blown for today. Love it!