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Normally on Mondays, we write Man Candy Monday posts sharing the love of our favorite guys in favorite period TV shows and films. However, this is Snark Week, so that means today I give you Man Ick Monday.
Jonathan Rhys Meyers has oozed across our screens in numerous historical costume movies and TV series. Occasionally, he’s well-cast as a sleazeball or a fop, but usually he’s busy ruining perfectly acceptable roles by being a smear of oil. Now, I’m not arguing that he isn’t a talented actor, and he may be completely your cup of tea. But to me, he is the personification of an eel that’s been boiled in oil for 10 days straight, then used to clean a highway rest-stop men’s room.
If you’re with me, then please to enjoy sticking a fork in your own eye out as we “celebrate” his oeuvre. If you’re a fan, then please, by all means, authentically enjoy these images. I won’t stop you.
Samson and Delilah (1996)
One of JRM’s early roles was a bit part as a young Samson. Loving the Little House on the Prairie braids. It’s a look!
Minnie Driver plays an 1840s governess in pleather, while JRM is the petulant, screw-up son of her employers who tries to woo her.
Sorry, Minnie. Need to borrow a wet wipe?
In this Civil War piece, JRM’s character goes from Confederate guerrilla fighter to an outlaw gang leader, and not in a good way.
Petulant: noun. Childishly sulky or bad-tempered.
His character: “spoiled rotten and utterly unlikable rich kid.” Sounds like appropriate casting.
Here he looks like Justin Bieber, and not in a good way.
So many mullets, so little time.
I do believe that’s a styled mullet, with the hair twisted around the headband. Lovely.
Again well-cast as George Osborne: “selfish, vain, profligate spender, handsome, and self-obsessed.”
He excels in these roles as slightly (or very) foppish assholes. Love the hair, actually. And it’s a great movie.
Ahhh, here’s where it REALLY gets good.
JRM didn’t write the script, but I can still blame him for reducing Henry VIII to one giant shlong.
First, he’s every 16-year-old jock date rapist.
Then he’s slimy, he’s sleazy, and he only cares about himself.
He attempts to be regal, but really, he’s just … ew.
He apparently wears dirty diapers instead of undies. I spent this whole scene being more grossed out by the color of his loincloth than his supposed leg ulcer.
He shows off his plumber’s crack to Anne Boleyn in frustration since she won’t let him finish the deed.
Eating without table manners, dramatically, is his key shtick. Look at that smirk when he opens the pomegranate. “Oh yeah. You want me, don’t you, you naughty little fruit?” he’s thinking. DATE RAPIST.
The best: directly after killing Anne Boleyn, he kills two mating swans, has them cooked, then eats them disgustingly with his hands.
IT’S A METAPHOR. A DISGUSTING, DISGUSTING METAPHOR.
I haven’t seen this, but this look is great for JRM. People, cast him as a fop, and he’ll do fabulously.
Apparently he plays a gay viscount. I approve!
Dear god. WHY?
Continuing the date rapist theme he began in The Tudors.
How could any of the lay-deeze resist him?
Fans, enjoy. The rest of us, shudder with me.
Coming Up: Roots
He’s playing a slave owner in the remake of the classic series. I can only imagine he’s going to have a Southern accent up to HEAH. If there’s a rape scene that involves him, I am going to be SO unhappy.
Which historical costume movie/TV actors are your nails-on-a-chalkboard?