I get it. You liked Snark Week. We all liked Snark Week. It was a fun fiesta of hideousness and misguided attempts at what my mother would call “snazzing up” historical costume. We’d all like it to come back, and we appreciate you dangling an interesting worm on the end of your hook.
But look. While it’s sweet that you’ve decided to put your toe into the icy cold waters of the deep end with a little piece of what the French call cinéma, there’s a reason these signs are posted all around the pool:
That’s because it generally takes a bit of thought and effort to put together any TV show, let alone one with a historical setting.
But I get it. You’d like more Snark Week. You’re thinking, “I’m a good person! I didn’t do anything to deserve the joy and thrill of Snark Week being pulled from my sensitive fingers!” And in fact, you feel kind of left out. Did any of YOUR shows make it into our snarking? No!
We all share your pain, and we’re here if you just need a hug.
But I find it rather juvenile that you’ve decided to taunt us with “Point of Honor: a Sweet Valley High Production.”
Look. I’m not even a huge U.S. Civil War nerd myself. It’s a pretty sad story, what with all the people dying for the right of other people to enslave yet more people. Also, there’s a lot of hoop skirts, bonnets, and general butter-churny Aunt Pittypat-ness to contend with. (Okay, at least there are no unfortunate biggins).
And I do get that Lila Fowler and Jessica Wakefield can be mean and pushy. You show them an 1862 Godey’s Lady’s Book fashion plate, and they say, “NO. I want to wear this fuchsia neoprene jumpsuit from Lisette’s, and you can’t stop me.” And even if Enid says, “Come on, guys, let’s just wear the Pittypat dresses,” who can fight Lila’s steely gaze? So you compromise. I mean, compromise is a good thing, right?
So you let Lila wear the slut dress, just to shut her up. That makes perfect sense.
And you talk Jessica into the blue dress, because Bruce Patman once complemented her on her blouse matching her eyes.
And of course, who would want to tell Jessica that she can’t have bangs? Not me!
And we know that the Lay-deez wouldn’t forgive you if took Bruce’s hair gel away. We get it. Nobody wants a riot.
But Enid was into this! She played hours of Oregon Trail as a kid. She was ready for the Holly Hobby outfit. So why the squishy-boob faux-renfaire bodice?
I am glad, however, that you opted to keep the girls’ hair extensions. We all know that Sweet Valley is a leading purchaser of weaving hair, and in tough economic times like this, well, it’s your patriotic duty.
In closing, Amazon, we hear you. You miss the Snark. And you’re sad that your show wasn’t included in the official Snark Week(TM). Well, we’re here to apologize, and to say that it won’t happen again.
The Frock Flicks Team