MCM: Marry, Shag, Slap


Certain actors show in up historical costume movies and TV shows over and over again. Sometimes, this is great, because, yowza, those boys are hawt hawt hawt! Other times, the guys are irritating slimeballs. Then there are the sweeties who are charming and good but they don’t melt your panties.

Thus, it’s time to play “Marry, Shag, or Slap,” wherein everyone chimes in on which historical costume actor you would prefer to marry, which one you want to shag, and which one deserves a good slap upside the head!

Make a snap judgment on all of ’em, folks!












About the author

Trystan L. Bass

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A self-described ElderGoth, Trystan has been haunting the internet since the early 1990s. Always passionate about costume, from everyday office wear to outrageous twisted historical creations, she has maintained some of the earliest online costuming-focused resources on the web. Her costuming adventures are chronicled on her website, TrystanCraft. She also ran a popular fashion blog, This Is CorpGoth, dedicated to her “office drag.”

52 Responses

  1. tallyhomare

    The best way to start off a Monday–ever! Thank you. I feel ready to tackle this week now.

  2. Suzie Day

    While I am in agreement about Sam Heughen, what about a game of Marry, Shag or Slap for those of us who prefer the ladies?

  3. Rowen G.

    This could perhaps use a fourth category – something along the lines of, “have a long discussion over a few drams”, for those in whom one has no (ahem) personal interest, (Geoffrey Rush comes to mind) but who would probably be an interesting conversationalist.

  4. Stephani

    FUN! I’m a little surprised at how many people want to slap Leo DiCaprio (even though I’m one of them).

    • Daniel Milford-Cottam

      For me the Caprio dislike goes right back to the late 1990s when I was repeatedly informed that I was obligated to find him shagtastic and gorgeous because he was totally the ideal lust object. And frankly, I’ve never liked little floppy-haired twerps, even when I was young enough to be a little twerp and to get all the local vintage scene queens drooling over me and wanting into my barely legal pants, and thinking that all they needed to do was burble at me how I was just as cute as Leonardo Di Caprio….

      Although he looks a WHOLE lot more interesting nowadays I still instinctively want to slap him, poor guy, and I know that’s petty, but then again, I associate him with lecherous fifty-somethings prowling after 18 year olds.

      • Stephani

        LOL! Never did find myself attracted to blond men. I agree, he’s very twerpy, even now. I still think my favorite role of his was Arnie in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Okay, maybe the forger in Catch Me if You Can, too. I just don’t buy him as a romantic lead. Your association is actually pretty apt, considering he seems to be working his way through dating the Victoria’s Secret catalog.

      • Lady Hermina De Pagan

        Nothing against Leo, but he has annoyed the crap out of me since he was on Growing Pains. something about his face…..

      • Sarah Lorraine

        EXACTLY. I get the feeling we are of similar age because I came of age during the whole Titanic freak out over LDC and I could never understand why I was supposed to find him in any way attractive.

        He has improved with age and he is a good actor, but 22 year old Leo was not at all tempting. I mean, did no one else find his weird shaped head problematic? Just me? Ok.

  5. lmmerrill

    Step back ladies and gents – Keanu is all mine!

    • Stephani

      I know, poor Keanu can’t seem to get any love, and he’s really developed into a not-bad actor. He was just put into too many films early on where he was out-classed. He was on my Marry list!

    • octopusgrrl

      I was torn with Keanu – definitely don’t want to marry or shag him, but slapping him seems a bit cruel. Netflix and chill (with actual Netflix and actual chill)?

    • Sarah Lorraine

      I think Keanu the person is adorable and I want to be his BFF (he seems like a 110% genuine cool guy). But Keanu the actor…? Face it, he got all the roles because he was cute not because he can act.

      He should never play anyone other than Ted “Theodore” Logan.

  6. Susan Pola

    I wish to add the late Christopher Reeve. He is definitely marry and shag. He’s done several period movies. Somewhere in Time and the Bostonians comes to mind.

    • Suzie Day

      I know that if he were on the list, I would definitely want to slap him. He spend too many year post-accident insisting that PwD need curing, and trying to get the ablebodied population to pity us and the “tragedy of disability”. Blegh. Too much inspirational porn for me to look past.

  7. Donna

    Can we have a vintage edition of this sometime? … actors who were in their prime in the 1930’s, 40’s and/or 50’s? … obviously the question would be marry, shag, slap at the time, not now :-)

    • Sarah Lorraine

      YES. I will happily throw myself on that task.

      So many vintage movie crushes, so little time…

  8. Sarah Lorraine

    I am also so glad to see that so many of our discerning followers agree that Jonathan Rhys Meyers need to be slapped repeatedly.

    Those 6 of you who said you’d marry him need to get your priorities straightened out.

    • Cheryl

      Lol. Agreed. I mean go on a few dates…? Maybe. But marry?!?

  9. Cheryl

    Hmmm seems as though I’ll be doing a lot of shagging and slapping… Not too bad I guess… Who’d want to commit when there are so many choices. You put Rhett Butler on there though and Im done for.

    (Love this post! Look forward to more editions!!)

  10. Susan Pola

    On the vintage post, please include Yul Brynner. I am a huge fan. Favourite film tie BTW Anastasia & King & I.

  11. Adina

    Liam Neeson! He’s been in a bunch of stuff!
    Ralph Finnes too!
    And Jason Isaacs, and (just to be contrary-sorry Kendra) Mathew McFayden, and Christian Bale.
    I know there’s more, I just can’t think of them.

  12. Justme

    I feel the need to defend Keaneau Reeves a bit here–whether or not you like his film roles or think much of his acting talent (and many people don’t–myself included), in real life he’s actually a pretty awesome human being (from what little I’ve read, anyway–he sort of keeps to himself). He gave his entire cut of the Martix profits away to the people who worked on special effects for the movies (not sure if it was all three of them, or just the first one). When asked why, he said that he didn’t need the money, and the special effects were what made the film so successful, so he felt they should have gotten more. That, and a lot of regular (not famous or rich) people who have interacted with him (including a delivery guy who accidentally bumped into his car) have said that he’s really down-to-earth and kind. So, IRL he’s pretty cool, even if his movies suck just a bit.