MCM: Marry, Shag, Slap – Classic Edition


It’s been a while since we’ve played “Marry, Shag, or Slap” with the men who show up in our favorite historical costume movies and TV shows. Previously, we made snap judgements about boys such as Aidan Turner (shag!), Colin Firth (marry!), and Leonardo DiCaprio (slap!). Now let’s look at some classic fellows of yesteryear. From the suave hotties you want to lead straight to bed to the sweeties you’d take home to the family to the jerks you want to throttle, we’re gonna get judgey.

Here’s how to play the game: Simply say which historical costume actor you would prefer to marry, which one you want to shag, and which one deserves a good slap upside the head!

Don’t overthink it, folks!




About the author

Trystan L. Bass

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A self-described ElderGoth, Trystan has been haunting the internet since the early 1990s. Always passionate about costume, from everyday office wear to outrageous twisted historical creations, she has maintained some of the earliest online costuming-focused resources on the web. Her costuming adventures are chronicled on her website, TrystanCraft. She also ran a popular fashion blog, This Is CorpGoth, dedicated to her “office drag.”

44 Responses

  1. Saraquill

    Anyone else notice how some of these guys have rather flat fronted trousers? Was tucking an enforced things in Hollywood back in the day?

    • Jeff Faulk

      I could be wrong but I suspect it’s more the cut of the pants in question. Speaking as a man, wearing high waist pants tends to channel the equipment more to one side or other rather than, ahem, filling out the middle.

      Though it would not surprise me at all that the above-average-endowed may have been quietly asked to wear something like a dancer’s belt under their trousers just in case…

    • Janet Nickerson

      Same here – Frederic March and Charles Boyer were good husbands. Funny story about Robert Taylor I read in a bio of Ava Gardner. He was married to Barbara Stanwyck when he and Ava had an affair, which they had to keep on the Q.T. because Barbara would have had his balls. Ava and Robert went to his MOTHER’S house for their trysts. Once dear Mother woke in the middle of the night and found her son and his lover together and started lecturing him. He apparently said, ‘Mother, would you rather I went to a cheap motel?’

      • Kersten

        Oh yeah, also Charles Laughton was married to Elsa Lanchester for over three decades! She played Anne of Cleves to his Henry VIII. Ironic, that.

        • MoHub

          Laughton was gay, and Lanchester used to set him up with a variety of male partners .

      • M.E. Lawrence

        March and Boyer are good choices for marriageable chaps.

        Huh–what about Robert Mitchum, who dressed up for films once in a while? Supposedly a devoted family man who fooled around on occasion and was also, goddess knows, bonkable. James Mason is another possibility for all three.

    • Karen K.

      I voted to slap Rex Harrison simply because he played Henry Higgins. I’ve never actually watched My Fair Lady but I’ve seen Pygmalion and Higgins deserves many slaps.

  2. LadySlippers

    Sadly I don’t know enough about any of them to vote… lol

    • Jeanne

      haha, I dont either, but i’m shallow enough to judge on appearances

  3. costumekullan

    Considering their age I think they would not really have been up for equality in marriage, so I’d rather stick with having fun with them for a while instead.

  4. picasso Manu

    I actually met one of them as he stayed in the hotel I was working in at the time. Bathroom was… interesting, let’s say: One bottle of whisky, one bottle of mouthwash, one bottle of gin, one bottle of mouthwash, one bottle of vodka, one…Okay, you get the drift. Also, that asshole went gropy on one of my chambermaids. So slap, slap, SLAP!!

  5. Danielle Fredrickson

    All of these guys are just so slapable. What isit about ‘classic’ leading men that makes one want to slap them so hard? Is it how dismissive and smug they all seem to be about their female leads? Is it their slicked back hair?

  6. Susan Pola Staples

    Fun but you forgot David Niven, Cary Grant, Sean Connery, and Roger Moore.

    • Trystan L. Bass

      Since the first edition was all fellows from the past 20 years, I decided to go alllll the way back with this round & mostly tap guys who did a lot of black & white films. I’ll have to get third round for those ones!

      • Susan Pola Staples

        Thanks. When you do do part 3, don’t forget Yul Brynner and Alain Delon from the Leopard.

        • Kersten

          Burt Lancaster also (although not his character from The Leopard, IMHO)

    • Kersten

      Slap, marry, slappity slap slap slap, ehhhhhhh slap, respectively.

  7. Loren

    I live that Tyrone power is beating Clark gable in the shag dept. dude was BUILT

    • Lulu

      He was my mother’s favorite movie star, watched alllllll his movies growing up. We buried her with a copy of Captain From Castile! At her funeral, my aunt got all maudlin and said, well she’s looking down on you right now. And I said, I hope not! I hope she’s brunching with Tyrone Power!

    • Alys Mackyntoich

      Power was probably the best swordsman in Hollywood. Even Basil Rathbone thought Power kicked ass.

  8. Eliza Cameron

    Well, Gable had a reputation for being lousy in the boudoir, so I would definitely shag Power over him any day.

    • Barb Donaghey

      Tyrone had quite the reputation with the ladies. Which is why voted shag.

  9. EA Gorman

    I picked Vincent Price to marry because he was a good cook. As for the rest I judged on their real life personalities. If they were assholes, SLAP. If not. Shag if cute, Marry if not.

  10. Caroline

    I’m glad others aren’t marrying Leslie Howard because more for me. Why do so many people want to slap him?? The man died spying on the Nazis, for heaven’s sake.

    • M.E. Lawrence

      Did NO one else (besides Caroline and me) see L.H. in “Pygmalion”? He was incredibly charming, while still keeping crisp and Shavian–much better than Rex Harrison in “My Fair Lady.”

  11. MrsC

    It’s all very well darlings but we now know that a big chunk of these hunks were gay as a Maypole, which rather puts a dampener on the game.
    Perhaps a fourth option – get pissed and do interpretive dance with? ;-)