A Matador’s Mistress (2008): zzzzzzz

A Matador’s Mistress (also known as Manolete, The Passion Within, and Blood and Passion) stars Adrien Brody as famed 1930s Spanish bullfighter Manolete and Penélope Cruz as his lover, actress Lupe Sino. It promises a whole lot — 1930s! Spain! Lovers! Ole! But here’s what it delivers: zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Okay, there is one redeeming quality, which I promise I’ll get to.

I mean, how promising does this look?

Clearly this film is going to be about SPAIN and the 1930s and sexxxx-ay gowns and hot, steamy, passionate writhing about shagging while drinking sangria! Right? RIGHT?

Here’s what you’ve got:

Adrien Brody LOOKS good:

Penélope Cruz looks luscious:

But otherwise, this thing was a BORE. The film is told in flashback, so there’s the thread of the two having a big fight, and Manolete off to a big fight. Interspersed they meet, hook up, hang out, and argue. She flips her hair. He tries to placate her. His handlers don’t approve. I have no idea, this was me through the whole thing:

At LEAST there should be some shagging to wake me up, right? NO. Mostly what you got was this:

The only semi-decent shag was interspersed with Manolete bullfighting and near the end, when I was pretty comatose. And it wasn’t all that writhy or sweaty or anything. Listen, I’m fine with a hand-holdy kind of movie. That’s perfect for your Austen and Dickens adaptations. But if you’re going to give me Hot Bullfighters and Tousled Actresses and set things in Spain, then LET’S GET TO IT, OKAY?

I did mention there was one redeeming factor, and here it is. Ladies and gents, meet Lola:

Did you say “Hi, Lola!”? You’d better! Because there’s nothing else to wake you up except for some cute dachshund action!