Today would have been Emily Brontë 200th birthday. The middle of the surviving Brontë sisters, she’s known for her one great novel Wuthering Heights, published in 1847, which has been made into several movie and TV versions. Alas, another one is headed to screen later in 2018 (at least in the U.K.), and the promotional pictures are fucking tragic. And not wandering-the-moors, hand-staple-forehead, gothic novel tragic. We’re talking, I can’t wait until Snark Week, you gotta see this now fucking TRAGIC. To wit…
The principle cast in front of the Brontë Parsonage Museum in Haworth. HOW COULD THEY?!?! I am aghast.
The Byronic hero, Fabio, er, I mean Heathcliff (Paul Eryk Atlas), he of ridiculously flowing hair.
The heroine, Cathy (Sha’ori Morris) of course, without a hairpin to be seen, and yes, we’ll see more of that hideous dress, just you wait.
But let’s go through the story somewhat chronologically, because that’s the kind of literary nerd I am. So we flashback to Cathy and Heathcliff as kids.
Lookee, she’s wearing a crappy Holly Hobby dress! He has a stick!
And we meet the fam.
Cathy’s mom (Claire Cooper-King) seems like she might have an OK dress for the late 18th-c., when this part of the story is set … maybe? kinda? if I squint real hard?
Except her whole outfit looks like it’s made of cheap cotton, with no linings, much the less corset or petticoats to provide structure, and, oh yeah, that clunky-ass floral isn’t at all historically accurate. Also, nothing appears to fit her.
Mr. Earnshaw (Henry Douthwaite) apparently shops at the local army-navy surplus store, and I guess they’re too poor / don’t give a shit, so little Heathcliff doesn’t wear stockings.
Ah, no, Heathcliff was taking after his adopted dad, who thinks stockings are for losers. Hard to tell, but I think Cathy’s dress is recycled from a Tudor production.
Cathy’s brother Hindley (Marcus Churchill) is, like dad, definitely Team No Tights.
Mr. Earnshaw dies, and he’ll be damned if he’s buried wearing tights. Heathcliff honors his memory. #HairyLegsForDays
After dad dies, Hindley is master of Wuthering Heights, and he gets himself a bride.
Frances Earnshaw (Anne Scherliess) brings on the fug with this velvet number. What historical period is it supposed to be? Any idea?
JFC, this hat! I know exactly how they made it, because I did crap like that back when I was in high school and college, when I didn’t know shit about actual millinery, much the less historical millinery.
In every Wuthering Heights adaption, Cathy and Heathcliff are contractually obligated to wander the moors.
But what the frock is Cathy wearing?!? I’m almost glad I couldn’t find a better picture because what I can see is hideous. Heathcliff is probably glad all that hair is covering his face.
+1 for posing at Top Withens, Yorkshire, the area that inspired Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights. -100,000 for all that fucking hair blowing around.
How about a love triangle, eh? Gives a chance for more shittastic costumes! (Oh, have I mentioned that IMDB.com doesn’t list a costume designer credit for this movie? Yeah, nobody wants to take credit, and I don’t blame them.)
Edgar Linton (Richard Dee-Roberts), supposed to be Mr. Fancy-Pants, but here, he’s just Mr. Poorly Tailored Drapery Fabrics.
Yet for some reason, Cathy picks him. And for some equally mysterious reason, she picks this fucking awful dress. The hoopskirt, the bright blue, the machine embroidered poly baroque satin, the clunky mitered trim, obviously no corset, everything about the shape and cut, the total lack of hairstyling. WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? ARE THEY TROLLING ME? His outfit isn’t so hot either — is that orange velour? Because it looks like a bathrobe, plus the floral reminds me of a Hawaiian print.
Well, she could have had Heathcliff on a horse in a random white coat (what, is he a Disney prince now? da fuq?).
In case you were wondering how cheap of a production this was, it looks like they just picked up some shirts at H&M. Nobody will notice pop-snaps, right? HAH.
I think I need a lay-down after the horrors of those last costumes. UGH. How about some of the minor characters then?
Dress the Servants in Shit, Part 1: Nellie Dean (Helen Fullerton) may be the novel’s narrator, but this movie just gives her some old renfaire crap to wear. And fuck sleeves.
Dress the Servants in Shit, Part 2: One of you has to wear a garbage bag with an apron, the other wears an old blanket as a cape.
Dress the Servants in Shit, Part 3: Did I mention fuck sleeves?
Alright, let’s move this story along, time for the second generation…
Young Linton takes after his uncle and rocks the poorly fitted drapery fabrics.
Since her mom had no hairpins to hand down, I guess you can’t blame young Cathy Linton for not doing shit with her hair. But her dress is still pretty tragic.
Haerton just looks grumpy in his striped shirt from TopShop, while Cathy doesn’t mind wearing a Zara blazer because she could use it after the movie shoot.
Finally, I don’t know what character this one is, but the photo was on the movie’s Facebook page…
Can you hear Emily Brontë rolling over in her grave too?