WCW: Marry, Shag, Slap – Classic Edition


Since we got judgey with the classic fellas, now it’s time for a version of “Marry, Shag, or Slap” with the ladies of the golden age of Hollywood’s historical costume movies! In the first Woman Crush Wednesday snap judgement, we slapped around Keira Knightley, shagged Natalie Dormer, and married Cate Blanchett. Let’s see how these women from films gone by measure up — who’s the darling you’ll love forever, which gal makes you weak between the knees, and who deserves a bitchslap?



Don’t overthink it, just have fun!


About the author

Trystan L. Bass

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A self-described ElderGoth, Trystan has been haunting the internet since the early 1990s. Always passionate about costume, from everyday office wear to outrageous twisted historical creations, she has maintained some of the earliest online costuming-focused resources on the web. Her costuming adventures are chronicled on her website, TrystanCraft. She also ran a popular fashion blog, This Is CorpGoth, dedicated to her “office drag.”

21 Responses

  1. Susan Pola Staples

    Would marry or shag all but Janet Leigh and I’d slap her.

  2. Cheryl Washer

    Where’s Myrna Loy? I was taking this test with my husband who wondered where she was. He had a crush on her as a young boy in the 1960’s. He said he’d marry her.

    • Trystan L. Bass

      She didn’t do many historical costume movies! The Thin Man series were all contemporary, & the only well-known historical flick she did was a Vanity Fair version in the ’30s.

      • hsc

        You’re probably thinking of “Becky Sharp,” (1935) starring Miriam Hopkins, which was Regency-set and is noted as the first three-strip Technicolor film.

        Myrna Loy’s version of “Vanity Fair” (1932) was updated to contemporary times (starts in 1920, ends in 1933), and was a low-budget independent release (also trotted out on the grindhouse circuit as “Indecent”) that wasn’t well-received and is really only known as an early starring role.

        She was, however, in a few notable period films: bit parts in “Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ” (1925), “Don Juan” (1926) and “Noah’s Ark” (1928); major roles in “A Connecticut Yankee” (1931, set in “Arthurian” England), “Stamboul Quest” (1934, set in 1915 Berlin), “The Great Ziegfield” (1936, set in 1890s-1930s NYC), “Parnell” (1937, set in 1880s Ireland), “So Goes My Love” (1946, set in 1860s-1880s New England), “Cheaper by the Dozen” (1950, set in 1910s-1920s New Jersey), and its sequel “Belles on Their Toes” (1952, set in 1920s-1940s).

        Feel like slapping her? ;-)

        • Trystan L. Bass

          Haven’t seen any of those — just the Thin Man series & a lot of her modern films (& every time ppl suggest her, it’s Thin Man, so I have to keep reminding ppl why we don’t review them).

        • Frannie Germeshausen

          Cleopatra, also, 1934. Pre-code. Very naughty.

  3. picasso Manu

    So far, the only one to elected to Marry Liz Taylor… I just thought she was sure experienced, marriage wise… And it probably wouldn’t last long anyway, soooo…

  4. Frannie Germeshausen

    Barbara Stanwyck would be another good one for this list. And, yes to Myrna Loy as well.

      • Frannie Germeshausen

        She was “Titanic” (no, not that one, the 1953 one). Just watched that, and “A Night To Remember,” on Turner recently. Both very very good.

  5. Saraquill

    It felt very weird to vote “Marry” for Elizabeth Taylor, as she wouldn’t so much as kiss a person she wasn’t hitched to. Perhaps “Marry” and “Stay Married” would have been a better fit ^_~

    As an aside, has there ever been a MSS for costume designers? I can think of some I’d love to vote for coughSchiaparellicough

  6. MrsC

    I didn’t overthink it and to my surprise, I married Marlene! I think she would be amazing fun!

  7. Joe

    Even though voting is closed, I’ll put in my two cents anyway:

    Olivia de Havilland – marry, definitely.
    Elizabeth Taylor – shag or slap, depending on how irked I am with her on any given day.
    Norma Shearer – slap. She tasks me, and I will not have her.
    Judy Garland – POW! She irritates me even worse than Norma.
    Vivien Leigh – shag, though if she’s Scarlett, slap might also be an option.
    Bette Davis – personally, I wish no connection with her at all.
    Ava Gardner – get me to the church on time!!! She’s almost literally a hometown girl; she was my grandfather’s favorite actress and I went to high school and college in the same region of North Carolina she grew up in.
    Ingrid Bergman – marry, particularly in her various Belle Epoque roles.
    Merle Oberon – shag, especially as Marguerite in “The Scarlet Pimpernel” or in her showgirl role in “The Lodger”.
    Janet Leigh – marry or shag. I have no notion why everyone else seems to want to belt her one.
    Greta Garbo – shag as Marie Walewska or Anna Karenina, slap otherwise. Her “I want to be alone” persona gets old for me fast.
    Deborah Kerr – with this ring, I thee wed.
    Greer Garson – wedding bells or passionate seductions (especially “That Forsyte Woman”), your choice.
    Marlene Dietrich – where’s the nearest chaise longue?