Top 5 Orange Gowns to Snark

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Snark Week is starting next Monday, guys! I know, it’s been a whole year, and it seems like forever. We can hardly wait to share all the snarky goodness we’ve saved up, but you just have to wait another few days. Still, I thought I’d give a little amuse bouche to whet your appetite today, as a distraction from (and, yes, mocking of) the Cheeto-dusted tangerine trashcan fire that’s happening in America right now. And heck, even if you’re OK that a screaming carrot demon is taking over as leader of the free world, these crappy historical costumes may make you reconsider orange as the new black.

 

1. Queen Elizabeth – Elizabeth: The Golden Age  (2007)

Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007)

Oh Shekhar Kapur, you and your playing fast and loose with history. While we love Cate Blanchett as QEI, why does she get this crazy Elizabethan haute couture dress that looks like a malformed traffic cone topped with two plumes of unkempt troll doll hair?

 

2. Princess Margaret – The Tudors (2007)

The Tudors

She’s a fictional mashup of Henry VIII’s two sisters, Mary and Margaret, so who cares if she wears an off-the-shoulder Cheez-Wizz-colored gown to match her Oompa-Loompa spray tan. Go for the gold, sistah!

 

3. Constance – The Three Musketeers (1974)

Three Musketeers

Raquel Welch is squarely to blame for this putrescent orange marshmallow of a dress. In an otherwise gorgeously costumed film, she looks like an extra from a high-school theater production. Or a porn film. Or both. IDK.

Don’t care, tits out.

 

4. Jane Seymour – The Tudors (2009)

The Tudors

I’m not sure which offends me more: The pathetic “Disney princess” style, its color resembling a soggy cracker spread with spoiled shrimp compote, or the fact that nobody bothered to iron the stupid dress before filming.

 

5. Lucy Westenra – Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

Wandering around demon-possessed at midnight is no excuse for looking like a seagull dipped in tikka masala, girl. You can do better Victorian than this Victoria’s Secret knockoff.

Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

C’mon, nobody really sleeps in crap like that!

 

Credit goes to Jezebel and Samantha Bee for the extra juicy orange-isms!

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About the author

Trystan L. Bass

Twitter Website

A self-described ElderGoth, Trystan has been haunting the internet since the early 1990s. Always passionate about costume, from everyday office wear to outrageous twisted historical creations, she has maintained some of the earliest online costuming-focused resources on the web. Her costuming adventures are chronicled on her website, TrystanCraft. She also ran a popular fashion blog, This Is CorpGoth, dedicated to her “office drag.”

40 Responses

    • Liutgard

      I saw it as a red-orange, almost bittersweet. And it was ridiculous, and not Victorian at all, but if I was heading into a garden at midnight for a playdate with a vampire, *that* is what I’d want to wear!

      Reply
      • MoHub

        I’d call the color tomato, and I was appalled when I saw it. No Victorian other than a prostitute would have had a nightgown like that.

        Reply
        • Liutgard

          Think there’s actually a clue there. I think the red is meant to hint to us that she’s had similar attentions from Dracula previous to this. Otherwise she’d be in virginal white or pastels.

          Reply
    • ravendreamsltd

      Same here but today – anything is better than the alternative! Woohoo Slut vampire dress!

      Reply
  1. Susan Pola

    The gowns are hideous. Cate looks like a demented orange something with a flapping Raven or other bird on her head.
    I won’t even mention what is wrong with both Tudor dresses and Constance in 3 Musketeers looks like a bad hair day and really bad nightgown. Lucy looks like a nightmare on steroids or something.

    Reply
  2. Robin A.

    Loved the costumes for Richard Lester’s Musketeers movies, with the exception of Raquel Welch. I remember reading that she insisted on her own costume designer, and it shows. She sticks out like an orange thumb.

    Reply
  3. Liutgard

    These are great! I do hope though that someday you do some of the _best_ orange gowns? It’s my favorite color (mostly the different varieties of orange, like bittersweet and persimmon and tangerine- not so much Sunkist/Crayola orange) and sometimes when they’re done right, they’re GLORIOUS!

    Reply
  4. mmcquown

    Raquel’s outfits were designed for her by her boyfriend, Ron Talsky. Pretty much says it all. And her hair! Designed by the House of Wattafuckzat.
    As for Lucy’s pain-noir, in some prints it reads as more red than orange, which probably means in daylight it’s a scarlet and not a crimson.

    Reply
    • Karen K.

      Bless you for “House of Wattafuckzat.” This post is giving me hope for the future.

      Reply
  5. Jill

    I thought Jane Seymour’s gown in The Tudors was pink. Silly me.

    I’d go so far as to pronounce the entire wardrobe in the 1992 Dracula film absurd.

    Raquel Welch’s Three Musketeers gown is not only hideous, it appears to be made of polyester.

    Aside to Trystan: I guess I’d like to know why you guys aren’t dishing on the nonsensical costuming of the Mary Queen of Scots show. Historical stuff has been hopelessly thrown out the window, but the costuming in that show is so correspondingly ridiculous it makes me want to throw things at the television. Did a bunch of 20-something goth girls whose parents never let them go to the prom kill the wardrobe staff and replace them in the dark of night?

    Reply
    • Trystan L. Bass

      Do search our site — this is just a ‘top 5 Friday’ where we pick 5 of one thing :) Click on the embedded links for more (each of those titles has a full article; for example, Dracula links to a podcast we did discussing the movie’s costumes).

      And as for the Mary Queen of Scots TV show? Oh yes, search the site or use the tags — we’ve covered it A LOT — http://www.frockflicks.com/tag/reign/

      Reply
      • Jill

        Thanks, I’m new to the site (just one week!) and will try to remember to do some site-searching before commenting. Also, after payday on Friday, I will send you a donation. This site is too much fun not be plugged into on a regular basis–finally, someone who doesn’t do an eyeroll when I complain about historical costuming in movies!

        Reply
    • ADoyle

      I agree that the entire wardrobe in that 1992 Dracula film is awful, with the armor being the worst of all. It’s even uglier in person, as I saw it displayed in the Coppola winery.

      Reply
      • MoHub

        Not to mention how much it strayed from the novel but had the chutzpah to put Stoker’s name in the title.

        Reply
  6. Jill

    Ah, and would it not be the most amusing thing possible if Melania-Deer-In-Headlights showed up in public wearing orange ANYTHING, ever?

    Reply
  7. Alisa

    LOVE Cate’s dress! The dresses in that film might not be period correct…but every one of them is scrumptious.

    Reply
  8. Natalie

    A couple of yummy looking things on that list, but NOT period, AT ALL. OK, just QEI’s and Lucy’s. The others are hideous.

    Reply
    • Susan Pola

      Probably the director and screenwriter as they know nothing about period clothes or Elizabeth I.
      I view both Elizabeth films as great acting on Cate’s part and historically accurate as Reign and the Tudors.

      Reply
  9. janette

    I haven’t watched the Tudors but that Jane Seymour gown looks like 70s crushed velvet to me so triple ick. Good choice of subject for today btw. I thought you guys would do something appropriate to the moment.

    Reply
  10. Karen K.

    “Seagull dipped in tikka masala” made be bust out laughing. I think I frightened the dog.

    Reply
  11. Susan Pola

    Snarking in another area. Did anyone else think Mrs Trump’s Inaugural Dress looked like President Alma Coin’s from MJII ?

    Reply
    • MoHub

      Many compared it to Jackie Kennedy’s ice-blue inaugural outfit. Similar color and lines.

      Reply
      • Jill

        At least we can rest assured that Jackie O. never squinted and wasn’t hopelessly botoxed in 1961.

        Reply
  12. Susan Pola

    Oh, I must have had to switch off my phone as I was at doctor’s appointment for my mom. I was YouTube-ing it.
    I didn’t think of that and I’ve only seen black and white pics of Jackie’s. Coin’s was what came to my mind.

    Reply
  13. LE

    To be fair, blame should be given where blame is due: both of the Tudors dresses were borrowed from other productions. Margmary’s was created for Shakespeare in love and Jane’s is from the Virgin Queen.

    Reply

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