Snark Week is starting next Monday, guys! I know, it’s been a whole year, and it seems like forever. We can hardly wait to share all the snarky goodness we’ve saved up, but you just have to wait another few days. Still, I thought I’d give a little amuse bouche to whet your appetite today, as a distraction from (and, yes, mocking of) the Cheeto-dusted tangerine trashcan fire that’s happening in America right now. And heck, even if you’re OK that a screaming carrot demon is taking over as leader of the free world, these crappy historical costumes may make you reconsider orange as the new black.
1. Queen Elizabeth – Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007)
Oh Shekhar Kapur, you and your playing fast and loose with history. While we love Cate Blanchett as QEI, why does she get this crazy Elizabethan haute couture dress that looks like a malformed traffic cone topped with two plumes of unkempt troll doll hair?
2. Princess Margaret – The Tudors (2007)
She’s a fictional mashup of Henry VIII’s two sisters, Mary and Margaret, so who cares if she wears an off-the-shoulder Cheez-Wizz-colored gown to match her Oompa-Loompa spray tan. Go for the gold, sistah!
3. Constance – The Three Musketeers (1974)
Raquel Welch is squarely to blame for this putrescent orange marshmallow of a dress. In an otherwise gorgeously costumed film, she looks like an extra from a high-school theater production. Or a porn film. Or both. IDK.
4. Jane Seymour – The Tudors (2009)
I’m not sure which offends me more: The pathetic “Disney princess” style, its color resembling a soggy cracker spread with spoiled shrimp compote, or the fact that nobody bothered to iron the stupid dress before filming.
5. Lucy Westenra – Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
Wandering around demon-possessed at midnight is no excuse for looking like a seagull dipped in tikka masala, girl. You can do better Victorian than this Victoria’s Secret knockoff.