So. I had completely resisted watching The Tudors when it aired from 2007 to 2010 and when it went to DVD and streaming, because: Those costumes! Jonathan Rhys Meyers! All the boobs! All I had seen was the first episode, which I didn’t really watch since we were live-podcasting and basically snarking up a storm. But then I went and watched the Jane Seymour episodes for that post, and then I reread The Creation of Anne Boleyn, and I found myself interested in how they portrayed Anne Boleyn, and so I went back to episode 1 and started watching it.
So, I am late to the party. You’ve all been horrified by The Tudors and worked your way through the five stages of grief:
- Denial. “There is no such thing as The Tudors. There is no such thing as The Tudors.”
- Anger. “WHY JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS? WHY?!!”
- Bargaining. “If I promise to be really really good, will you make Jonathan Rhys Meyers 6’2″ and give him red hair?”
- Depression. “I will binge-watch this show, because there’s no point, no one cares about history or accuracy or quality. Life is a series of endless rounds of suspiciously waxed bimbos hopping into bed with Jonathan Rhys Meyers. I don’t deserve dresses that come up OVER the shoulder.”
- Acceptance. “Hey! I can take up gardening instead!”
But me? I missed the party! Apparently I was stuck in stage #1, ignoring its existence and living out my merry life.
Well, now I’ve been bit by the bug. I want to watch this train wreck and see how it pans out. Give me your barely-covered nipples! Your hot glue gun! Your hairless bimbos! And, now that I’m watching it (I’m about 3/4 of the way through season 1), I Have Questions. To wit:
1. WHY JONATHAN RHYS MEYERS?
Like I said, I am late to the party.
2. Why does Thomas Tallis rate such a massive storyline?
And perhaps more importantly, WHY doesn’t anyone give him a comb?
Related question: How weedy is his mustache?
3. Why is King François I so poncy?
4. In what world does shy, retiring, nearly-dwarf-height Queen Claude look like this?
5. Who told Jonathan Rhys Meyers that dramatic eating-of-fruit was a good acting technique?
6. Will Tudor boxer shorts (complete with cross motif) be included in the next of Janet Arnold’s Patterns of Fashion?
7. Why doesn’t anyone wear hats?
8. Why does Eustace Chapuys have a Spanish accent?
9. In what world does Gabrielle Anwar have a 16th-century look?
10. Why does Anne Boleyn have (long, sideswept) bangs?
11. In what world is there a regular “new ladies-in-waiting arrival” parade?
12. How did this ribbon stay dry?
13. What was with the catching-the-chicken scene?
14. What happened to the 15ish years of Henry Fitzroy’s life?
15. Why was this chick all giggly when her father found her shagging Brandon?
16. Do we really think Henry was brave enough to tell Catherine of Aragon about the divorce himself?
17. Men: Is it really hot to have a woman show up and just drop all her kit?
Especially if she looks all sad while she does it? I am not a boy. Explain this to me.
And, okay, two positive questions:
18. How hot is Henry Cavill?
And if you’re not going for a redhead, wouldn’t HE have been a better Henry?
19. How badass is Catherine of Aragon?
I’m sorry to make you relive all of this, and I promise to keep you updated on further questions as I continue my meanderings through The Tudors.