As our end-of-year gift to you, we attempted to review The Knight Before Christmas (2019), Netflix’s latest holiday rom-com, now with a time-travel twist. Per IMDB: “A medieval English knight is magically transported to the present day where he falls for a high school science teacher who is disillusioned by love.” Seems ripe for Frock Flick snark right?
Disclaimer: We’re not trying to promote the Christian holiday here, we’re just using the cheezoid material available. If there was a Netflix / Lifetime / Hallmark Channel rom-com with, say, a 160s BCE Maccabee traveling forward in time to meet-cute with a recently dumped marketing associate while spinning the dreidel, we’d be on it! C’mon, streaming services, diversify your crappy holiday offerings.
Knowing how awful this flick would be and how much we needed to drink to get through it, podcasting was out. Thus, we give you our snarkings as jotted down realtime, along with illustrative screencaps. We did the hard work so you don’t have to watch this dreck!
REALTIME RANT BEGINS:
Trystan: Note it’s supposedly set in 1334.
Sarah: These costumes are shite.
Kendra: Look, panne velvet!
Sarah: All of these sleeves are wrong for 1334.
Kendra: Why are they wearing amour and chainmail to hawk? Seems a bit over-dressed unless they’re dinosaur birds.
Trystan: Apparently the hawks are badass.
Sarah: The dude needs a coif.
Cut to modern day…
Trystan: Wtf class is this that they’re talking about happily ever after? There’s a Bunsen burner. Why are you talking about love ‘n shit?
Back in ye olden tyme…
Kendra: It’s the mystical Biddy of Bidnington.
Sarah: Never follow eyebrow trends.
Kendra: I can’t tell you how many times I see guys on dating apps who say “Please have normal eyebrows.”
Kendra: What’s with her side-part?
Trystan: Actually, that’s a velour not panne velvet, still shitty.
Sarah: HIS ELBOW COP IS ON HIS FOREARM so offended
Trystan: Yep, he needs a coif. It’s a fortunate biggins. Necessary for chain mail.
The knight is magically sent from ye olden tymes to the present day…
Kendra: Can we fast forward?
Sarah: Yeah, there’s not going to be any costumes until he goes back.
Kendra: Trystan wants us to suffer.
Trystan: This is what drinking is for.
We are now having an argument about middle English vs. old English. Kendra can sing “sumer is a cumin in.”
Kendra: Why is that doublet cut on the bias?
Trystan: It was made for a fancy show? Maybe Galavant?
Kendra: OH GOD HE IMMEDIATELY KNOWS HOW TO WORK A RADIO.
Kendra: He’s a poncy walker.
Trystan: We should keep count of the m’ladys.
Sarah: We’d have to start over!
We pause to watch this:
Back to the movie…
Sarah: He harkens from Norwich. (That’s not even a thing.)
Trystan: Motherfucker from medieval England shouldn’t even know what ‘douche’ means.
Sarah: Inaccurate use of archaic English familiar tense.
Kendra: HE CAN READ MODERN ENGLISH????????
Everyone: I hate her sweater.
Kendra: FAIR MAIDEN. OH GOD.
Sarah: There’s a lot of weird shit happening here with the language.
Kendra: He understands what an “ex” means?
Sarah: And “a girlfriend”?
Trystan: HE’S STILL WEARING A SWORD???
Trystan: His shirt is accurate, but for the 1520s!!!
Everyone: SHE’S TOO YOUNG TO BE WEARING ELASTIC PANTS.
Trystan: THAT’S WRONG, I DON’T LIKE THAT! (Yelling about the weird trim on his sleeves.)
Kendra: ‘Seinfeld’ puffy shirt territory.
Everyone: I guess man-spreading transcends time.
Sarah: Can we just talk about how they wouldn’t be able to understand each other?
Trystan: WE JUST TALKED ABOUT THIS.
General chatter in ye-olde English.
Trystan rambles on about Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blogge, which she’s shocked the other two haven’t heard of.
Sarah: ARE WE THERE YET???
Trystan: He’s familiar with Christmas trees pre-Queen Victoria??
Sarah: Codpieces didn’t exist in 1334.
Kendra: SHE’S LETTING HIM DRIVE???
Kendra & Sarah: Where is this going? What is the point?
Trystan just keeps drinking.
Trystan: Old crone, quit bugging them.
Sarah: Doesn’t he just need a watery tart?
Kendra: Omg stop talking about the magic box.
Trystan: This timeline is very important!
Paused for about 20 minutes of non-relevant conversation. and we agree to fast-forward until they go back to ye olde tymes.
Kendra: He has to kiss her under the mistletoe and his balls will drop at midnight!
Kendra: She’s going to wear that back in ye olde times? With her hair in a French twist?
Sarah: Hey, at least it’s up.
Trystan: The horse is named after paint — Sherwin Williams.
Sarah rewinds and pauses the show three times to prove some random background chick is wearing Uggs in 1334.
Sarah: This show sucks.
Kendra: Wake me up when it’s over.
And to all a snark night! Happy holidays!