This Snark Week, 237 of you voted, and 52.7% voted for The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982) for our live online viewing and snarking — so watch and snark we did! We invited you to join us and snark along, but for those who didn’t make it, here’s the highlights of what you missed…
All the men of the towns of Chastity Gulch and Sweetwater, Missouri, are off to the Civil War:
Teri from Three’s Company is a doctor who is going to Sweetwater to visit her aunt, Joan Collins, who Teri is just discovering runs a hooor-house:
The non-hoors are pissed about the hoors:
The hoors and non-hoors work together for the good of the town(s):
Auntie Joan is very, very sick:
A band of Union soldiers turns up:
The son (Donny Osmond) of the general has been shot, and Teri has to operate. The general threatens to kill all the wimmin if his son doesn’t make it:
A hot doctor is with them, but his arm has been injured, so Teri has to take charge:
The soldiers leave, leaving Donny Osmond and Hot Doctor to recuperate, but with threats of coming back and then killing all the wimmin:
Donny is nursed by Lisa Welchel:
Teri talks all the wimmin into working together to fight off the soldiers when they return:
Auntie Joan dies:
Hot Doctor trains all the wimmin in gun-fightin’:
Acrylic Nail Hoor makes friends with one of the ladies by offering to train her in the mysterious arts of hoor-dom, so as to revive her husband’s interest:
Donny and Lisa make out:
Lisa is pissed that Donny won’t defend the wimmin:
Trystan:Â I almost want to see this in better video quality, just to see if it would make a difference, yet I know it wouldn’t
The soldiers return, and Donny stands up to his dad:
The wimmin fight off the soldiers:
The war is over, and all the men come back:
Now aren’t you sorry you missed it?
My eyes hurt now…and not from the blurry images. I’m pretty sure it was all the pepto-bismal pink and the eighties hair…urk.
100% this!
Oh my god. Still dying. Will not stop dying.
That was amazing.
I don’t suppose for a moment the producers even considered the pic as being related to real history. A lot of people in this who never made it past the boob tube.
Why is this town called ‘Chastity Gulch’? Oh, wait, that’s actually a dirty joke. Hmmm. I’m calling shenanigans on this. Innuendo hadn’t been invented yet in the 1860s.
I’m not sure innuendo existed in the 1980s either — they were pretty obvious back then ;-)
Came here to say this.
Innuendo, out the other.
I think you hit all the high points…the effort put into your detailed analysis is a testament to your fortitude… I would never have lasted. Kudos to you! :-)
I am sooooo sorry I missed the live podcast, but your recap is hi-LAIR-ious. Even without having seen this film, I think it’s safe to nominate it as the worst historical costume movie of all time. Just the poofy ’80s hair and heavy make up alone is enough to qualify!
Regarding the lack of open-crotch drawers; I’m having a hard time thinking of *any* “mainstream” period movie that has ever accurately included those as part of women’s lingerie, even in scenes where those would make sense (such as those set in bordellos). Really, really odd.
Forgot to mention this, and it really has nothing to do with costuming – but I can assure you, as someone with relatives in southwest Missouri, that the Ozark Mountains look NOTHING like that. It’s as absurd as having the Ventura Pier, with bare brown mountains in the background, double for Palm Beach, Florida in the 1990’s TV show “Silk Stalkings”.
Oh yeah. My husband and I used to leave in Santa Clarita, which is just north of LA on the edge of the desert, and where it looks like this and every other supposedly-in-the-West TV show is shot. He came into the room while I was watching this and said, “Santa Clarita?” (While we’re at it, check out the Dukes of Hazard for amazingly So. Cal. landscape…)
They’re worried about possible beaver flashes?