SnarkAlong Podcast Recap: The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch

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This Snark Week, 237 of you voted, and 52.7% voted for The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982) for our live online viewing and snarking — so watch and snark we did! We invited you to join us and snark along, but for those who didn’t make it, here’s the highlights of what you missed…

 

All the men of the towns of Chastity Gulch and Sweetwater, Missouri, are off to the Civil War:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Did I just see Pa from Little House?

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: BIDDY BONNET

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: CLEAVAGE
Kendra: HAIR
Kendra: ZIPPERS

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Ok, I’m already regretting my life choices

Teri from Three’s Company is a doctor who is going to Sweetwater to visit her aunt, Joan Collins, who Teri is just discovering runs a hooor-house:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: What era is that bonnet supposed to be?
Sarah: 1982 bonnet

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Sarah: She needs to learn the jump method of skirt straightening

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: BLUE OSTRICH HEAD? THE HELL
Kendra: I think the dark-haired girl was on Dynasty or something
Sarah: I’m pretty sure this entire cast was lifted from Dynasty

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Sarah: Imagine all the hands-on STD experience she will get

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Eyeshadow, matching your skirts, classy
Kendra: THAT EYEMAKEUP IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN
Kendra: The purple blush is outstanding

The non-hoors are pissed about the hoors:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Red polka dots looks just like the hoors

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: They literally have pitchforks

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Wait, how can these losers hang by their corsets when they clearly aren’t wearng any?

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: and the hoors are! (well, 1980s merry widows)

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: This is the lamest soft-core porn ever
Trystan: Where are the split-crotch drawers?

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Wow, that blue ensemble is so … noticeable…

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: TERI’S HAIR
Kendra: WAIT IT’S NOT HAIR

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Sarah: It’s attached with a jaw clip
Kendra: IT’S A GIANT DOILY
Trystan: WTF it looks like fungus are attacking the back of her head

The hoors and non-hoors work together for the good of the town(s):

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Roof-repair in a crinoline, smart!

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Such practical construction work clothing

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Sarah: IT’S THE MALE GAZE
Trystan: They may have half the arms, but they have all the patriarchy

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Just like that one time at Habitat for Humanity

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Close up of peach awfulness
Kendra: Serious poly double-knit

Auntie Joan is very, very sick:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: So sensitive! mystery illnesses! something “down there” no doubt!
Trystan: I been on my back for years!

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Sarah: Those acrylic nails scare me
Trystan: This *was* the movie w/the nail fetishist – now we know why
Sarah: All I can think of is the “lesbian” porn with the chicks with long talon acrylics

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: That blue fabric scares me

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Yes, get into the swamp in your best nylon dress

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: The hose is symbolic of our cooperation (not at all the patriarchy, no not all)

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Sarah: The hose is definitely a metaphor for the phallus

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Sarah: Pretty sure this is actually a thinly veiled porno

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: They’re all wet & *now* the men show up. sarah, you’re right, it’s a porno
Sarah: The 80s. When the Confederates were the good guys.

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: That pink dress on the left is my fave
Kendra: Is that morgan fairchild in my pink dress?
Linda: We can only hope
Kendra: HOW is morgan fairchild not in this movie, in fact

A band of Union soldiers turns up:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: I protect you with my nylon lace!

The son (Donny Osmond) of the general has been shot, and Teri has to operate. The general threatens to kill all the wimmin if his son doesn’t make it:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: I’m a little bit country, she’s a little bit rock & roll
Kendra: I’m a little bit wooly, she’s a little poly baroque satin

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: “This is my day bling”
Trystan: Subtle

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: I really like the trim pattern accenting the princess seams
Kendra: Yes that’s a nice touch

A hot doctor is with them, but his arm has been injured, so Teri has to take charge:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Tight pants!
Sarah: NO VPL
Sarah: OH FUCK THERE’S A PART 2
Sarah: CHRIST

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Linda: The probe!
Sarah: PROBE

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Reminder: time to drink, thanks Joan
Kendra: I want to be Joan Collins when I grow up
Trystan: I flatter myself by thinking I’m halfway there

The soldiers leave, leaving Donny Osmond and Hot Doctor to recuperate, but with threats of coming back and then killing all the wimmin:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Those stress wrinkles are fabulous

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: I think Joan studied GWTW for this performance
Trystan: Yes! and the skirt swirling really adds to the epicness

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: I’m really having acetate Victorian underwear envy about now
Kendra: “We’re desperate to share our chlamyida with SOMEONE”

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: CHESTAL PLUFT
Sarah: MUSTACHE RIDES FOR MAGGIE
Sarah: It’s like they couldn’t afford Tom Selleck so they got the low-rent version

Donny is nursed by Lisa Welchel:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: donny + blair 4evah!

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Love all the dark brown roots

Teri talks all the wimmin into working together to fight off the soldiers when they return:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: God her blouse is so poly

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: So many holly hobby bonnets, so little time

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: More malibu barbie pink
Trystan: The more I see of it, the more I really like that hot pink number

Auntie Joan dies:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Check your makeup!

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Kendra: NOT JOANIE
Kendra: SOMEONE HAS TO PICK UP THE PURPLE MAKEUP TORCH
Kendra: How will we make it thru the rest of part 2 w/out joan collins?!?!?!
Trystan: SHE DID SO MUCH FOR WOMANKIND
Sarah: And for acetate!
Sarah: TERI WILL PICK UP THE TORCH

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: I’m loving the whore-appropriate funeral garb

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: His uniform is awfully powder blue

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Nice blow dry

Hot Doctor trains all the wimmin in gun-fightin’:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: That green number is… striking
Trystan: Gun in yr boobs, classy

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: That malibu barbie pink dress is working its way around to every actress

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: So much nylon lace, so little time!

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Wait there is a person of non-white ethnicity!!
Trystan: Where???
Kendra: There was an asian woman in the crowd!
Trystan: My people!
Trystan: (Ok, my other people!)

Acrylic Nail Hoor makes friends with one of the ladies by offering to train her in the mysterious arts of hoor-dom, so as to revive her husband’s interest:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: And this is the most covered-up we’ve seen a hoor — but she’s wearing a tablecloth
Kendra: Ah the rustle of nylon

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: YES
Kendra: GET THE BANANA
Trystan: School of Whoring!
Sarah: DANGEOUS BEAUTY SCHOOL OF FUCKS

Donny and Lisa make out:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Blair tits!
Trystan: GMTA

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Love the little twist in her barette-d hair

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: There’s my malibu barbie dress again!
Kendra: I think we need to drink each time it’s on screen

Lisa is pissed that Donny won’t defend the wimmin:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: That is so what I pictured “pioneer” dresses looked like when i was young
Trystan: The height of my costuming dreams at the time
Trystan: And I’m sure that was the pattern used for this movie

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: More and more hair down on teri as she loosens up
Kendra: She’s like demelza poldark

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: “I don’t know how to walk in a long skirt”
Trystan: Note to self: skirt hiking diatribe for next Snark Week

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Also that’s a lot of chest for 186-whatever
Trystan: I feel like this guy’s costumes are just Ralph Lauren off-the-rack shit

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Her hairpiece is a different color than her hair & roots, but whatev

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: YES
Kendra: STACHE
Kendra: RIDE

Trystan: I almost want to see this in better video quality, just to see if it would make a difference, yet I know it wouldn’t

The soldiers return, and Donny stands up to his dad:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Sarah: YOU DON’T GET ME DAD. I’M GOING TO JOIN THE CONFEDERATES.
Kendra: THEY LET ME BE EMO

The wimmin fight off the soldiers:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: Did I just see a tank top on one of the sniper ladies?

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: YES
Kendra: GUN IN BOOBS

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: That blond totally had a banana clip on!

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Blair has a new dress — just as much jugs
Sarah: I NEED THAT DRESS
Sarah: I WOULD WEAR THE SHIT OUT OF IT
Sarah: IT WOULD BE MY NEW SCA DRESS
Trystan: Donny is also wearing Ralph Lauren off-the-rack

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: I loathe heart-shaped jewelry with the fire of many suns

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Trystan: Flashdance hair
Kendra: FALCON’S CREST

The war is over, and all the men come back:

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Sarah: I NEED THAT DRESS
Sarah: THE CALICO ONE
Kendra: “I got my hair curled and i know how to give a blow job now!”

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: The sisterhood of the traveling hoors
Trystan: We’re gonna need a shipment of mousse & more blowdriers

The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch (1982)

Kendra: AARON SPELLING

Now aren’t you sorry you missed it?

15 Responses

  1. Karen

    My eyes hurt now…and not from the blurry images. I’m pretty sure it was all the pepto-bismal pink and the eighties hair…urk.

    Reply
  2. mmcquown

    I don’t suppose for a moment the producers even considered the pic as being related to real history. A lot of people in this who never made it past the boob tube.

    Reply
  3. aelarsen

    Why is this town called ‘Chastity Gulch’? Oh, wait, that’s actually a dirty joke. Hmmm. I’m calling shenanigans on this. Innuendo hadn’t been invented yet in the 1860s.

    Reply
  4. Adam Lid

    I think you hit all the high points…the effort put into your detailed analysis is a testament to your fortitude… I would never have lasted. Kudos to you! :-)

    Reply
  5. Shawna Spiteri

    I am sooooo sorry I missed the live podcast, but your recap is hi-LAIR-ious. Even without having seen this film, I think it’s safe to nominate it as the worst historical costume movie of all time. Just the poofy ’80s hair and heavy make up alone is enough to qualify!

    Reply
  6. Joe

    Regarding the lack of open-crotch drawers; I’m having a hard time thinking of *any* “mainstream” period movie that has ever accurately included those as part of women’s lingerie, even in scenes where those would make sense (such as those set in bordellos). Really, really odd.

    Reply
    • Joe

      Forgot to mention this, and it really has nothing to do with costuming – but I can assure you, as someone with relatives in southwest Missouri, that the Ozark Mountains look NOTHING like that. It’s as absurd as having the Ventura Pier, with bare brown mountains in the background, double for Palm Beach, Florida in the 1990’s TV show “Silk Stalkings”.

      Reply
      • Kendra

        Oh yeah. My husband and I used to leave in Santa Clarita, which is just north of LA on the edge of the desert, and where it looks like this and every other supposedly-in-the-West TV show is shot. He came into the room while I was watching this and said, “Santa Clarita?” (While we’re at it, check out the Dukes of Hazard for amazingly So. Cal. landscape…)

        Reply

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