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Disclaimer: Frock Flicks assumes you are at least 18 years of age and/or not squeamish about discussing sex (or lack thereof). We cannot anticipate whether or not you are going to be horrifically offended by a frank discussion of sex, so it’s up to you, dear reader, to politely avert your eyes if such topics are too distasteful. Considering how we’ve been able to piss someone off somewhere over something as innocuous as a spelling error, we’re sure this post about sex is going to rile up some readers, but what the hell.
We here at Frock Flicks are not ones to shy away from sex on screen. We have discussed it at length in numerous podcasts (see: basically all of the Season 2 Outlander recaps) and so we like to think of ourselves as connoisseurs on the topic of movie sexytimes. That’s why it’s especially infuriating when you’re introduced to a couple of sexy characters in a flick and you wanna see some action, but the filmmakers get the filmic equivalent of performance anxiety. Instead of seeing some hot action, you get a couple of limp thrusts and then camera pans to curtains.
We’ve talked about some of the hottest sex on screen before, but we’ve never discussed the lamest sex on screen. It being Snark Week, and all, it just seemed like the time was right…
Setting aside the shitty history, the shitty characters, the shitty costumes, and shitty Mel Gibson, all of which we discuss on the (very drunken) podcast coming up tomorrow (we tease!), the real insult-to-injury here were the two brief “sex” scenes in the three-hour long film. In the first scene, Melliam Giblace runs off with his childhood sweetheart and, being a good Catholic boy, marries her in a secret ceremony in the woods, presided over by a hipster priest. Then it’s off to have honeymoon sex in the frigid Scottish forrest. We get to see some breasts and Mel’s nipples, but the scene cuts away almost immediately to the next morning where the newlyweds are getting dressed by what has to be a freezing-fucking-cold lagoon.
The second sex scene occurs about one small eternity later in the film between Mel and the Princess — the first, and only, time they meet in the movie. For reasons not really explained, the two complete strangers meet to discuss foreign policy or something. I guess. Anyway, it takes about two seconds for the international relations to begin, but even less time before the camera cuts away. For a movie that is 98% violence, obviously, sex was a step too far.
There’s one decent sex scene in the film, but even then, it’s pretty weak. The other major sex scene, however, is what originally inspired our “weaksauce sex” tag. Allow me to catch you all up with the details… The two main characters, Riccardo and Carlo, are brothers. Ricardo is a talented composer but kind of ugly; Carlo, on the other hand, is a gorgeous castrato who basically melts the pantaloons off any woman he comes across just by looking at her. The brothers have this long standing arrangement where Carlo seduces a girl, gets her all worked up, and then hands her off to Riccardo to “finish,” since Carlo is unable to do so himself. Anyway, there’s some stuff about music and opera, and whatnot, but the story sort of climaxes (ahem) when Carlo decides he wants to start a family with his girlfriend, Alexandra, and lacking a necessary pair of dangly bits, he cannot impregnate her. Enter Riccardo (ahem), who has graciously agreed to inseminate Alexandra on Carlo’s behalf.
I mean, the entire scene is actually pretty touching, as far as threesomes go. The problem I have with it, however, is that Riccardo basically does not move and yet, we’re somehow supposed to believe that he’s giving Alexandra a good seeing-to. I’ve seen sex toys just lying there with more passion than Riccardo.
Downton Abbey, Season 1, Episode 3 (2010)
The debate is still raging as to whether or not Lady Mary was raped by the rakishly handsome Turk, Mr. Pamuk. Thing is, the show decides to play for ambiguity — the lighting and the music make this seem like an actual seduction, but Mary’s protests right up until it’s clear he’s not going to stop unless she puts out argues that she really only acquiesced to make Mr. Pamuk go away with as little hassle as possible. But here’s the thing, for such a major plot point for the first two seasons, there’s no there there. The scene abruptly cuts away from them kissing and straight to the aftermath, which makes me skeptical that something like, oh, I don’t know, SEX wasn’t cut for delicate American sensibilities. However, Amazon Video insists this is the original UK version, so who knows?
You’ve got Aidan Turner, one of the hottest human beings currently on the face of the planet, and somehow this show consistently makes sex scenes into snooze fests. The first such example is in Season 1, Episode 3 when Ross and Demelza finally shag.
And it lasts all of 30 seconds and then cuts to the Cornish landscape. Talk about premature. To add insult to injury, there’s also the so-called “rape scene” in the second season in which Ross doesn’t take no for an answer, and afterward, he returns home to a pissed off Demelza who then settles the score with a mean right hook. So, sexual assault and spousal abuse! Good times!
The Affair of the Necklace (2001)
I could almost forgive this film anything for the fabulous costumes and a wet Adrien Brody in a towel. But it’s got a few weak points, like, oh, the sex scenes.
Still, there’s always this, which sort of makes up for it:
What are your least favorite sex scenes in historical movies?