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Joan Collins actually trained at the British Royal Academy of Dramatic Art (RADA) and acted in some solid films in the 1950s and 1960s. But then the 1970s happened, and then Dynasty, and it all gets crazy hilarious. Again, I’m sure she’s a lovely and talented woman. But I cackle every time I see her in 50 pounds of spackle attempting to look historical. So this Snark Week, let’s get our shoulder pads on, shall we?
Decameron Nights (1953)
Bits of famed medieval Italian writer Boccaccio’s life are intermixed with some of his stories. Joan plays two different characters in two different segments: Pampinea and Maria.
Land of the Pharaohs (1955)
IN BROWNFACE PEOPLE (NO!) as Princess Nellifer, wife of a self-obsessed Egyptian pharaoh.
The Virgin Queen (1955)
Yep, you read that right! As Beth Throckmorton, lady-in-waiting to an aging Queen Elizabeth I (Bette Davis).
The Girl in the Red Velvet Swing (1955)
As famed model/actress Evelyn Nesbit, who was at the center of a love triangle and resulting murder scandal in 1906.
The Bravados (1958)
As “Josefa Velarde” in this Western with Gregory Peck.
Esther and the King (1960)
In the title role in this Biblical story set in ancient Persia.
The Virginian (1967)
In one episode (“The Lady from Wichita”) of this TV Western.
Fallen Angels (1974)
A TV movie based on a Noel Coward play, obviously set in the 1920s.
The Great Adventure (1975)
An orphaned boy and his dog in gold rush Alaska; Joan plays saloon “girl” Sonia.
The Bawdy Adventures of Tom Jones (1976)
OH MY GOD THIS IS SO ON MY SHORT LIST FOR NEXT YEAR. Yep, the Henry Fielding novel that’s been adapted many times. Joanie plays “Black Bess.”
A TV series focused on a small town reporter in the 1940s, Joan guest starred in one episode.
Fantasy Island: My Fair Pharaoh (1980)
“Lucy Atwell [Joan Collins] yearns to immerse herself in the ancient Egyptian world of Queen Cleopatra and Marc Anthony” per IMDB. [Editor’s Note: Trystan watched this episode recently but lost the copy in a hard drive failure so she couldn’t review it for Snark Week!]
Joan plays the owner of a hoooor-house, Teri from Three’s Company is a lady doctor, shenanigans ensue.
Monte Carlo (1986)
On the eve of World War II, Katrina Petrovna (Joanie) is a Russian singer and double agent avenging her husband’s murder by the Gestapo in Monte Carlo.
“Young Helene Junot witnesses the death of her mother at the hands of Nazis. Separated from her brother, Edmund, by the war, Helene goes to work at the chateau of the Count De Ville. There she falls in love with his son, to the Count’s objection. She leaves for Paris where she becomes a fashion model and moves up the ladder of success, even becoming the mistress of her former employer. As she builds a magazine empire, Helene looks for her lost brother and seeks justice for her family. Along the way, she makes many enemies who band together to destroy her” per IMDB.
WHO CARES, BECAUSE THIS SHIT HAPPENS:
Tonight at 8.30 (1991)
A televised version of plays by Noel Coward, in which Joan plays the same lead roles as actress Gertrude Lawrence.
Annie: A Royal Adventure! (1995)
Annie goes to England, Joan plays “Lady Edwina Hogbottom,” I think this is a bad idea.
The Clandestine Marriage (1999)
So I didn’t love it, but I have to admit this is a GREAT look for an older actress!
Marple: They Do It With Mirrors (2009)
Guest starring in one episode of the 1950s?-set Agatha Christie series.
Which of Joan’s historical costume looks seems most Dynasty-inspired?