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This Snark Week I offer you: The Kent Family Chronicles, more specifically, parts 1 and 2: The Bastard (1978) and The Rebels (1979). These are adaptations of an apparently very successful series of 18th century-set historical fiction novels by John Jakes, both of which were made in the 1970s and offer a fiesta of polyester and scoffing. Yes, there’s a third in the series: The Seekers (1979), but seeing as that’s set on the frontier and I have no interest in screencapping a bunch of Little House on the Prairie costumes, I’m sticking with the first two. I’ll be splitting the combined two movies into five sections for a full week of snark! If you want to watch along, you can find both movies on YouTube.
Here’s part 1!
As they arrive at Boston, Philippe decides he’s going to go by “Philip Kent.” He starts practicing saying his name, going from “Philippe” to “Philip” in 5 seconds. The next time he opens his mouth, he has a perfect American accent. IT IS RIDICULOUS.
Philippe wanders Boston trying to find work. Various badly dressed extras keep wandering in loops behind him, in particular, this chick:
This napkin-shirt refers him to a pub called The Salutation…
The pub owner (James Gregory of The Manchurian Candidate and Barney Miller; Love Boat appearances = 1) sends him away.
In the street,
Philippe Philip bumps into a soldier, (John de Lancie aka Q FROM STAR TREK) who picks an unnecessary fight with him.
A crowd gathers supporting Philip, who cuts Q’s face with a rock? Q is intimidated by the crowd and leaves huffily.
Now that Philip’s fought The Evil Brits, the Salutation’s pub owner likes him, and once he finds out Philip knows the printing trade, gets him a job with Benjamin Edes (Buddy Ebsen of The Beverly Hillbillies and Barnaby Jones).
Back out in the streets, they find a mob ready to tar and feather some random mentally ill guy who’s spouting pro-British stuff. WILLIAM SHATNER (CAPTAIN KIRK!!!) IS PAUL REVERE, who tries to talk sense into the crowd. A brawl starts, and Philip fights with Shatner and Edes, which makes them decide he’s a good egg.
Philip works hard in the print shop and gets involved, via his boss Edes, in the Sons of Liberty. It’s boring so I don’t screencap it. Finally KIM CATTRALL (Sex and the City) shows up as the daughter of a patriot and is bitchy to Philip.
Quick break for more excellent extras:
Philip has to deliver something to Kim Cattrall’s dad; when he shows up, Q is informing Kim and pops that they are going to have a soldier billeted with them. Q tries to ask Kim Cattrall out, she turns him down; once he’s gone, Philip asks her out, and she says yes.
Kim and Philip hang. Kim tells Philip that she hasn’t yet met The One yet, implies that it could be him, but wants to wait til he’s sure.
Various political shit happens, including the Boston Tea Party.
After the tea party, Philip runs into Q, they fight and each stab each other.
Kim Cattrall binds Philip’s wounds, and then Offers Herself To Him as she’s realized All Is Serious And They Don’t Know If They’ll Have A Tomorrow.
Philip and Kim hang and are shmoopy. Kim is very politically engaged.
Meanwhile, half-brother Roger is now soldiering in the colonies, and he’s been informed that a “Philip Kent” is around, and them’s fighting words…
Philip helps Kim’s maid, Daisy, run off with a British soldier who’s been billeted with them and is now Team Patriot. Meanwhile, somehow Roger has figured out about Philip and Kim, shows up and tries to rape Kim as a way to get to Roger. Of course, Philip shows up just in time, the two duel, and Philip kills Roger.
Philip heads off with Daisy’s British soldier to Daisy’s pop’s place in Concord (suspiciously Southern California-ish, as everything is). Pops is played by Noah Beery (The Rockford Files; Love Boat appearances = 2).
Philip decides to hang in Concord, where he joins the militia and reconnects with a guy he met while leaving England, played by Herbert Jefferson Jr. (BOOMER FROM BATTLESTAR GALACTICA).
The guy running their militia is played by Russell Johnson, aka THE PROFESSOR FROM GILLIGAN’S ISLAND thud.
Kim Cattrall arrives in Concord as everyone is fleeing Boston. She’s got a letter for Philip from Juliet(TM), saying she’s in Philadelphia and Must See Him. Kim is all “You Must Go” and Philip is all “But She Means Nothing” and then Kim is all “But What If She Had Your Baby” and Philip is all “No Child Of Mine Shall Be a Bastard” and Kim is all “….” and Philip is all “What?” and Kim is all “Nothing.” It’s a very annoying conversation.
- Love Boat appearances: only 3!
- Shitty wigs: at least 3
- Tits out: only on extras!
- Actors who have made me keel over: 5
Tomorrow: BATHTUB SHAGGING in part 3 of my recap of The Kent Family Chronicles!