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Starting with our second Snark Week, I’ve picked a shitty frock flick to recap, because I love sharing the blow-by-blows with you. This year, I asked you to choose what film/series I should recap, and the clear winner was North & South: Book II (1986), the sequel to the be-mulletted and peach-acetate-satin-ified Civil War epic North & South (1985).
In series one, which I recapped a few Snark Weeks ago, we established many of our key characters as the story wended its way to the outbreak of the Civil War. This time, war has broken out! And in case you care, note that I refuse to recap any of the war/battle shit. Read my recap of episodes one, two, and three if you haven’t already, and now join me:
A LOT of war stuff happens in this episode. I’ll try to give you the important, main character-related highlights, but I will definitely skip a lot of it. I refuse to screencap it, so here’s your “war is hell” bone:
- Billy returns to his regiment, apparently he had deserted to go see his wife (Southern Blonde). His commander is pissed, but grumbles that he needs good officers blah blah. He continues to be fatherly to a young drummer boy who will no doubt die tragically.
- George has managed to get a field command, and gets captured by the Confederates and sent to Libby Prison, a hellhole. He tries to insist on being treated reasonably, but instead gets beaten and neglected. At one point he tries to intervene when another prisoner is being beaten, and is tied up and left out in the rain.
Some big battle happens. Afterwards, Spunky Filly turns up with medicine. Derpy Cousin Charles sees her and barks at her, “You shouldn’t be here!” She’s peeved he isn’t happy to see her, he’s doing that stupid man thing of “I want to protect you but I can’t, so I shall be a jerk.”
Derpy Cousin Charles stalks off and assumes this hilarious pose:
Spunky Filly tries to get him to mellow the fuck out, he snaps, “Maybe this is what you want!” and aggressively kisses her. She’s mad and runs off, but instead of running back to the main camp where her wagon is/other people are, she takes off into the woods. Derpy Cousin Charles follows her, TACKLES AND PINS HER in order to apologize. Yeah, because that’s the best way to apologize for sexually assaulting someone. Of course she immediately softens and TENDER SHAGGING occurs, with hilarious shots of looking up at the mist through the trees (is mist a euphemism? You betcha!).
No one is a better nurse than Virgilia (Kirstie Alley), although most of what she does is look at a patient and announce that a doctor needs to examine him. Administrator Olivia de Havilland admonishes Virgilia to give equal care to the Confederate troops, as she isn’t as attentive to them. Virgilia is arrogant.
Patrick Swayze’s mullet is getting EPIC. He hires a Pinkerton detective to find Tits Out. He tells the Pinkerton he’ll give him all the information he has, then the two say farewell without exchanging said information.
Tits Out is hiding out in a less than reputable boarding house in Charleston. She has her and Swayze’s baby, who she names after him.
Tits Out is out in her carriage and comes across a Confederate soldier impressing African Americans, including a young boy, into digging ditches and other war work. She intervenes and saves the boy, then takes him home to a refugee camp in which many African Americans are living hand to mouth. She vows to help them.
Tits returns with a carriage full of food, but is accosted by soldiers (deserters?) who are about to steal all the food, when LEE HORSELEY (The Wild Women of Chastity Gulch) shows up as the cheese-oid Rafe Beaudeen. He thinks Tits Out is super hot and escorts her to the refugee camp and then back to her boarding house, where some biddy informs Tits that he is of BAD CHARACTER and was asked to give up his army commission but NO ONE KNOWS WHY. Tits is very “Mind your own business!”
Secessionist Husband apologizes to Slutty Brunette for not being able to get it up; she is less than encouraging, saying something about it “not buttering the biscuit.” She leaves, claiming she needs air; Secessionist Husband is miffed but does nothing about it. She, of course, goes to see Bent — whose first name I have just discovered is ELKANAH — and the two shag. She tells Bent she wants to leave her husband, but he says not yet — and that he plans to make Secessionist Husband his VP in his coup against the Confederate government.
Slutty Brunette encourages Secessionist Husband to make friends with Bent, as people in the know have told her he can help people go places. Secessionist Husband goes to see Bent, is initially shocked at Bent’s idea of a coup, but then as soon as Bent says he wants Secessionist Husband to be veep, he’s down.
Patrick Swayze gets shot and captured by Union troops, and he’s sent to Virgilia’s field hospital. She cares for him, and although she’s stiff at first, the two eventually have a detente. Swayze recovers and escapes.
Olivia de Havilland continues to get on Virgilia’s back about not taking care of Confederate troops. A Confederate soldier whose leg Virgilia has tourniqueted manages to undo his tourniquet and dies. Olivia de Havilland tells Virgilia she’s going to see her charged with murder.
Kirstie Alley as Virgilia overacts like nobody’s business, moaning that de Havilland “CAN’T DO THIS TO ME.” She turns on de Havilland, coming at her with ridiculous POV hands that are out of a B horror movie. She pushes de Havilland over, which apparently is enough to kill her. Virgilia flees.
Virgilia turns up at the Senator’s house. He tells her de Havilland isn’t dead, but is going to press charges about the attack and the soldier Virgilia supposedly killed. V pleads with him to make the murder charges (which he’s heard about) go away. He resists, but then reminds her that he told her if he did her another favor, she’d have to put out. She says okay, then sits him in a chair and undresses for him while his eyes bug out and he drinks brandy. She’s NOT wearing a corset, but she is wearing a chemise.
Derpy Cousin Charles turns up at Spunky Filly’s house, only to find three Union soldiers attempting to rape her. He shoots two of them and scares off the third. The two have a tender fireplace makeout.
Northern Blonde goes to see President Lincoln. The Union army has decided to do no further prisoner exchanges, because they have to play hardball. She pleads with Lincoln to rescue George from prison; Lincoln says he can’t do a prisoner exchange, but he’ll see what he can do.
Northern Blonde has the idea to get a message to Patrick Swayze in the hopes he can do something about George; Northern Mom agrees. Plastic Cameo doesn’t give a fuck. Number One says he’ll check with his industrialist contacts.
Strap in for the finale, episodes 5 AND 6, tomorrow!