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Because I live to entertain, and because I make bad life choices, I have decided to recap 1985’s Civil War classic, North and South. Look for a new episode recap each day of Snark Week, and enjoy the frosted lipstick!
Time for the final TWO episodes of series 1… and before you ask, MAYBE I’ll do season 2. Give me a few years to recover.
Slutty Brunette continues to be bitchy to her sister, Sweet Blonde, and to hold a candle for Billy, Sweet Blonde’s fiancé. Sweet Blonde is mostly oblivious.
David Carradine has gotten a doctor to prescribe laudanum for Tits. She’s totally drugged out, and when Swayze visits to ask what’s up, she’s just totally out of it. This may be the shittiest dress in a series of shitty dresses. I swear to god they took a 1980s Laura Ashley dress and hacked it apart for the solid blue part, then put that over a shower curtain.
Also, while most of the dresses have been laced up til now, I’m suddenly spotting potential zipper plackets:
Slutty Brunette marries her beau, Secessionist Husband. She is a veritable meringue with frizzy, frizzy hair and oodles of bangs:
I spend the wedding scene cackling over the dumpy extras:
Sweet Blonde is a bridesmaid in her Leg Avenue mitts. Slutty Brunette goes off to fuck the rando from the last episode, who apparently is a regular thing for her, AT HER OWN WEDDING RECEPTION.
Tits is there, totally drugged out; Swayze tries to talk to her and she’s all “huh?”
Slutty Brunette plays all virginal to her Secessionist Husband, who then leaves her at the family plantation while he goes off to New Orleans to be secessiony. She annoys Swayze, who orders her to go Charleston. I like her black and white stripes, even if her snood reminds me of something Liza Minelli would wear:
Secessionist Husband goes to the local whorehouse in New Orleans, and FINALLY LIZ TAYLOR SHOWS UP as a madame. I went through FIVE EPISODES to get my Liz Taylor fix! This scene was totally sponsored by Frederick’s of Hollywood:
Bent is hanging with Secessionist Husband at the whorehouse; they look at a photo of Slutty Brunette and Secessionist Husband’s wedding, and Bent is all mesmerized by Tits. He manages to figure out that she looks like a portrait that hangs in Liz’s office, then finagles a tete-a-tete with Liz to get another look. Bent asks Liz for the story of the portrait, and she tells him about the sad tale of the mixed-race prostitute who worked for her, then left to get married, and then died after having a daughter, helpfully supplying Bent with Low Rent Ricardo Montalban’s (Tits’s father) name.
Swayze and Sweet Blonde head north to visit George and Billy. Sweet Blonde is suddenly all pro-bonnets:
There’s an overly involved scene in which Perfect Blonde shows off her new ballgown to her husband and Swayze. Virgilia bursts in on everyone, ranting at Swayze about slavery. Swayze tells her to go back to her n-word husband. Everyone is aghast at both parties.
Of course, we here at Frock Flicks know what was REALLY going on in this scene:
Swayze leaves in a huff, dragging Sweet Blonde with him. Virgilia ominously boards the same train.
En route home, the train is stopped by John Brown, who tried to begin an armed slave revolt in 1856 (you know, Harper’s Ferry); he’s played by Johnny Cash. Virgilia turns out to be part of the John Brown gang, who are planning to hold the train passengers (including Swayze and Sweet Blonde) hostage; husband Grady shows up; the militia shows up; the train passengers are let go; Virgilia grabs a gun and joins in the fray; Grady gets shot and dies; Virgilia is distraught.
Virgilia has been left in prison for some time. She wants her day in court in order to speak her mind publicly. Instead, she is released by a senator (Bent’s dad, I think?) who tried to hit on her in a previous episode. He basically tells her that someday she may need his help, and when she does, he’s into it if she shags him.
Swayze and Sweet Blonde end up back home; Perfect Blonde tells George (who is now rocking the PornStache) that she’s pregnant; Virgilia is still rantingly anti-slavery and working for some candidate’s election; there’s lots of discussion of secession and the coming election of Lincoln.
Tits is all drugged up, David Carradine is all rubby-hands evil.
After the whole Virgilia/Northern Clan blow-up, Swayze hits the bottle. He and Sweet Blonde have a huge fight — she’s waiting for his approval so she can marry Billy. He ends up slapping her, and she heads to Charleston to stay with Slutty Brunette. Slutty Brunette is apparently psycho; she’s still into Billy, but now basically wants him killed since he didn’t go for her.
Slutty Brunette continues to fume over Sweet Blonde’s engagement, so much so that she gets together with the guy she’s been shagging (David Carradine’s… son? nephew? Some kind of relative) and gets him to hire a hitman to kill Billy. RIGHT. BECAUSE THAT’S THE LOGICAL OPTION.
Sweet Blonde meets up with Billy to show off her peach poly-baroque satin while all of Charleston is freaking out about today’s presidential election.
They are trailed and then attacked by the MOST OBVIOUS HITMAN IN EXISTENCE.
Secessionist Husband is excited that secession is on its way! So is Slutty Brunette!
Except that she has to pay off the Obvious Hitman, and she’s pissed that he failed to kill Billy.
Swayze finally relents! George visits to talk him into letting Billy and Sweet Blonde get married! Except Billy is recalled to the fort because of unrest.
Lincoln is elected president; South Carolina secedes; Swayze, George, and Sweet Blonde are very “what have you all done/war is hell.”
Slutty Brunette arrives, PUMPED about secession. Swayze tells her about Billy and Sweet Blonde getting married. Slutty Brunette throws a hissy fit, storms off, runs into her lover/relative of David Carradine, and the two plot yet again to kill Billy.
Sweet Blonde and Billy are going to get married! But Tits overhears David Carradine and Slutty Brunette’s lover discuss how they are going to attack Billy and kill him after the wedding. Tits fights with Carradine, ending up slashing his face with his own saber (satisfying) and rushing over to Swayze’s house to warn him.
The wedding happens! Sweet Blonde mentions she’s wearing mom’s wedding dress; at first I scoff, but then, okay, I guess this could be 1830s…
Mom busts out something vaguely historically accurate for the occasion:
David Carradine’s son/nephew and friend attack Billy en route to the train station. Poor Cousin Charles has left the army in Texas; there were random scenes with boys fighting about honor, but I won’t test your patience by telling you about it. He was at the wedding, and warned by Tits, arrives in time to help Billy fight them off. Carradine’s son/nephew is killed.
Somehow Swayze knows that Slutty Brunette is behind everything. He tells her off and kicks her out of the family. She wears another dress that I would totally wear, although I’d wear it for a ball and lose the stupid hat and shitty parasol.
President Lincoln shows up and pontificates, but the actor playing him is wearing so much makeup he can hardly move his face. Billy and Sweet Blonde, who are now living? in DC, go see Lincoln and Mary Todd. Lurking there is Bent, who is now hanging with MORGAN FUCKING FAIRCHILD.
Bent and Morgan Fairchild plot about how they’re going to use the coming war to their own advantage. Fairchild’s hair is FEATHERED and HAIRSPRAYED within an inch of its life.
George has to go somewhere, can’t remember. Perfect Blonde is about to pop. Just after he leaves, she spots Virgilia, who is down and out, and takes her in.
Plastic Cameo is stoked that the war will mean Number 1 will be able to take back control of the company. They’re NOT into Virgilia being there. Northern Mom has a sad about Virgilia.
Shots are fired at Ft. Sumter; the war begins. Swayze wants to go to Pennsylvania to repay George’s investment, so that George’s money doesn’t go to the southern war effort. Tits thinks Swayze is noble ‘n stuff.
Swayze shows up with the money to repay George and meets the new baby. Virgilia alerts the neighborhood mob that a southerner is there; the mob shows up with guns and pitchforks; George and Swayze scare them off with their own guns; George gets Swayze onto a train, before which they almost consummate their bromance and discuss how both are being recruited for their respective armies. Virgilia sneaks out with the family silver.
EXEUNT. Do I win a major award?