“In Secret” Is Only Interesting for 30 Minutes of Costumed Sex

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Sometimes you see a historical costume movie on Netflix that you’ve never heard of before. And soon after starting to watch, you realize why you didn’t hear about this one — it sucks. It’s slow, meandering, dark, and depressing. I’m a goth, I can enjoy dark movies, but In Secret (2013) isn’t just dark, it’s dull from the very start.

The premise is of an orphaned girl, Thérèse Raquin (played by Elizabeth Olsen), who’s taken in by distant relatives, a stern mother (played by Jessica Lange) and her sickly son Camille (played by Tom Felton, aka Draco Malfoy, who I fear is getting typecast as baddies; see also his role in Belle, 2013). The mess is set in the 1860s France, first the countryside and then Paris, and is based on a novel by Émile Zola.

In Secret

Nice 1860s costumes, but who cares?

In Secret

Poor Tom Felton, nobody’s heartthrob.

In Secret

Mama’s boy.

I struggled through the whole damn thing, and all I found redeeming was about 30 minutes in the middle where Thérèse strikes up a hot, hot, hot affair with an artist, Laurent (Oscar Isaac). Starting at 25 minutes in and lasting until the 55 minute mark, they engage in a series of both steamy and realistic historical-costume sex scenes. What makes this especially good for me is how the two are getting it on IN and AROUND their period clothing.

In Secret

Camille’s mother embroiders this early in the film. Hint?

Too often, historical costume movies have quick-strip scenes or otherwise cut to nudity and avoid the obvious issue of how people actually did the deed when they were wearing at least three to five layers of restrictive clothing on a regular basis. As a historical reenactor who has worn skin-out period clothing for the 16th through 19th centuries, I know you don’t just drop drawers in a split second. But I also find it super-sexy to get around those layers creatively. And this movie does that!

In Secret

The shagging starts 25 minutes into the flick.

So, while I can’t recommend this movie for much, I can say fast-forward to these scenes between Thérèse and Laurent…

 

1. Steaming Up the Window Sex

In Secret

For their first encounter, Thérèse and Laurent do it in her mother-in-law’s shop, in front of street window, after closing time. This one’s just a tasty preview to get things started.

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2. Under the Crinoline Sex

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This is the real deal. Laurent gets hands-on underneath Thérèse’s crinoline. You know that split-crotch drawers are standard-issue for the 19th century, right? The looks on their faces…

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3. Corseted Sex

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So often in historical costume movies and TV shows, women will rip off their corsets for sex (or men will rip them off the women). Which a) takes longer than you think, b) when done hastily, can damage a corset, c) isn’t necessary for straight-up shagging. Thus, Thérèse and Laurent go at it without bothering to remove her corset. Heck, she leaves on her petticoat too. So much more convenient when you’re cheating on your husband, in your marital bed, upstairs from your mother-in-law’s shop, while said MIL is downstairs.

 

4. Up Against the Wall Sex

In Secret

A classic, but here shown with Thérèse almost completely dressed (only her gown’s bodice was removed) and Laurent’s shirt and waistcoat on. I think his trousers are around his ankles too.

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5. Sex on the Floor With the Cat Watching

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Because why kick the kitty out of the room? Not like Puss is gonna rat Thérèse out to hubby and the mother-in-law.

In Secret

 

6. Sex Under the Crinoline With Her MIL Giving Her a Neck Massage

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Thérèse and Laurent are canoodling upstairs where she’s been pretending to have a headache. Her mother-in-law comes up the stairs offering tea and sympathy. What do the lovers do? Hide Laurent underneath Thérèse’s crinoline, of course. Yes, that makes perfect sense — if this was a Three’s Company episode, LOL! And the scene gets more hilarious when the MIL won’t leave and offers to massage Thérèse’s neck and sing her a song. So what does Laurent do to pass the time while he’s down there? Something very distracting. He certainly gets a reaction out of Thérèse.

In Secret In Secret

 

7. Outdoor Sex With Her Husband Asleep in Her Lap

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Because Laurent can’t help but cop a feel, even though Thérèse’s pasty little hubby has fallen asleep in her lap after walking around the park for 10 minutes. The lovers are only interrupted from going farther because the family’s friends stumble upon them.

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Thérèse and Laurent only get one more hot sex scene after they kill Camille (spoiler alert! but so what?), however them getting married entirely kills their passion. The rest of the movie is bickering and boozing, and finally, everyone dies. The end.

 

In Secret

Did Émile Zola think marriage was the end of sex? Or is it just this movie?

 

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About the author

Trystan L. Bass

Twitter Website

A self-described ElderGoth, Trystan has been haunting the internet since the early 1990s. Always passionate about costume, from everyday office wear to outrageous twisted historical creations, she has maintained some of the earliest online costuming-focused resources on the web. When she’s not dressing up in costumes, she can be found traveling the world with her sweetie and, occasionally, Kendra and Sarah. Her costuming and travel adventures are chronicled on her website, TrystanCraft. She also maintains a popular fashion blog, This Is CorpGoth, dedicated to her “office drag.”

8 Responses

  1. MoHub

    Young men in the UK a number of decades ago referred to split-crotch panties as “free trade pattern.”

    Reply
  2. Alisa

    Hee. If you think Tom Felton isn’t a heartthrob, you’re completely misunderstanding the Harry Potter fandom. Even Rowling herself had to comment on the phenomenon!

    Reply
  3. Joe

    That last scene with Laurent copping a feel with Thérèse reminds me oddly of the scene in “Little Big Man” where Dustin Hoffman’s character discovers Faye Dunaway’s character having sex with the soda-shop owner. Maybe because the scene focused on Dunaway’s button-booted feet thrashing around passionately.

    Reply
  4. Angela

    That was the best description of this film possible :) I really loved the costumes though, they were gorgeous

    Reply

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